Myth #6: Women fall in love faster than men do.
Truth: Research shows that men fall in love first…even if they don’t want to admit it!
When couples are asked, “When did you first fall in love with your partner?” men report falling in love much earlier in the relationship than women do. And, yes, I’m referring to love, not lust or sexual attraction. In my long-term study, responses from men who are dating and men who are married are the same. As hard as this may be for men to admit or believe, when Cupid pulls out his bow and arrow, the arrow hits men first.
Unlike men, women are more selective and cautious about who they love; they are more guarded and express their feelings slowly. Women want to be sure about their partner and the relationship before they fall in love or confess their love. Far from the blushing, swooning starlets who get weak-kneed in the presence of an eligible bachelor in old-fashioned flicks, real women are much more pragmatic and rational than men are, at least when it comes to love.
1. For women, relationships and sex come with more risk.
Women need to be careful about how they love because they are the ones having the children. According to David Buss, an evolutionary psychologist, men and women have different short-and long-term genetic mating strategies. For women, a single night of passion could mean nine months of pregnancy and years of child care, so women are more selective about their partners. They’re careful to choose men with specific qualities, because these features represent better reproductive potential and a good environment for their children. For example, a woman might choose a man because he’s a good provider, financially secure, or physically fit.
In contrast, men aren’t as selective with their partners and are quicker to jump into sex, because they can have sex and simply walk away. They are particularly drawn to women who are physically
attractive and young. Evolutionary psychologists believe that men have these built-in preferences because their genetic code will be more successful if they partner with healthy women who can have
children. Men are pre-programmed to spread their genes around, which, from a purely scientific perspective, is a fact that’s reflected by their greater acceptance, on average, of casual sex—something I’ll talk about more in future post.
2. Women have learned to connect love and sex.
Women are also careful about how they love because they have been taught by the people around them—through religion, the media, parents, and teachers—to believe that they shouldn’t have sex unless they are in a loving relationship. From an early age, women learn that sex and love are one and the same. As a result, women are careful and cautious about how and who they express love to, because for them, a decision to love is also a decision about who to have sex with.
The connection between love and sex makes it very challenging, although not impossible, for women to have casual sex. In contrast, men are not taught to believe that sex should only happen in the confines of a loving relationship, which makes noncommittal sex easier.
3. Women are judged negatively by others.
Women are also worried about how others will view, perceive, and judge them—and with good reason. Studies show that women who have sex too early in a relationship are viewed harshly and more negatively than the men they have sex with! In other words, when it comes to sex, a double standard still exists. Deep down, women know these judgments exist, so they may hold back their love. Recent studies show that although this double standard may be less pronounced today than in decades past, it still exists and influences the experience of love for men and women.
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