THE FOURTH RELATIONSHIP MYTH TO A HEALTHY NEW LIFE

Myth #4: When dating, it’s best to “get it all out there” as soon as possible.

Truth: It’s better to reveal personal information about yourself gradually over time. If the person is right for you, there will be plenty of time for the details to unfold.

Now that you’re dating (or at least thinking about dating), you may worry about repeating some of the same mistakes you made in your past relationship. You may believe that it’s now your job to lay it all on the table, the good and the bad, so your potential partner knows exactly what he or she is getting into and what you’re all about. Besides, getting everything out in the open will be a quick way to find out if this person is right for you, so you won’t waste your time either, right?

The problem that most people do are disclosing too much information on the first date. If you tell all early on—especially intimate and personal information—your date is likely to feel overwhelmed, or worse, he or she may think you tell your life story to everyone. Studies show that people do not want to hear too much, too soon. It’s called the “airplane syndrome”—when someone divulges excessive amounts of personal information to a relative stranger. Research has found that these people, who think they’re just being honest and open, are viewed by the listener as not trustworthy, because they tell all without knowing the other person first.


If you want to build trust and be liked by a new partner, disclose personal information gradually over time. If this person is right for you, there will be plenty of time to share personal details. Sharing opinions, stories, history, and other pieces of information bit by bit also makes you more exciting and interesting to a date. It’s like eating tiny bites of a heavenly dessert rather than wolfing it all down at once! When we share personal information with a new date or partner, this process is called self-disclosure. Studies show that when the self-disclosure process goes smoothly and both people are comfortable with the process, it creates feelings of deep emotional intimacy or closeness between the two of you. So instead of speeding the process along by revealing too much, focus instead on making the self-disclosure process as smooth as possible.

Self-disclosure is usually positive—and leads to the other person liking you more or showing support—unless your disclosure is too revealing or intimate for the depth of the relationship. If you disclose too much or something that’s too personal and your relationship just isn’t “there” yet, it may actually produce dislike.

Since HE and SHE were only on their first date, it’s safe to say that one reason the date didn’t go
well is because SHE revealed too much and pushed HIM away. But there’s another reason not to reveal too much before you really know your date: the information you reveal may be viewed negatively by the other person. Your date may have a completely different set of romantic beliefs and timetables, different opinions, or may not share the same experiences as you.

So it’s not just how much SHE revealed, but what she revealed that may have turned HIM off. For example, SHE told HIM that her last boyfriend had spotty employment and income, so she always paid for meals and dates when they went out—which turned out to be one of the reasons they broke up. Now, is it possible that HE has money issues or feels terrible about his income? Maybe HE had a past girlfriend who constantly nagged him about not making “enough money,” and SHE comment reminded him of that relationship. SHE may never know what caused HIM to lose interest, because she revealed so many things on their first date.

What has SHE learned for her next first date? She’s learned that her belief in “putting it all out there” is completely off target. Next time, she’ll keep the conversation light and funny, which she is very good at, and she won’t disclose highly personal information or talk about past boyfriends. A first date should be fun, and not too heavy or serious if you want to go on a second one. SHE now realizes that just because she might want to reveal personal information doesn’t mean her date does; the self-disclosure process has to be smooth and comfortable for both people. If she’s sensitive to the flow, the quantity, and the quality of the give and take between them, her next dating adventure will be
more likely to get off to a good start.



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