What kinds of issues do people in my study deal with when it comes to finding love again? The same issues as you do: a fear of rejection, feeling frozen about jumping back into the dating scene, feeling shy, hopeless, and even unlovable—and countless dating disasters. They have enormous feelings of grief and loss for the relationship that’s ended. They feel disappointed and rejected. Often, they feel angry. But beyond these initial emotions, men and women in my study also grapple with issues once they are ready to date:

What should I say on a first date?
Where can I find quality people to date?
How do I know if what I’m feeling is real?

They worry about how and where to meet someone new.

And once they do, they worry about how their family will react to a new partner, and how they can avoid repeating the same mistakes from their last relationship or previous marriage.
These beliefs, emotions, and concerns are not unique; I’m sure you’ve experienced many of these same feelings, too. This is important to realize, because when you think you’re alone—that you’re the only one who’s “unlucky in love”—you tend to blame yourself. You think there is something wrong with you—and let me reassure you, that’s not the case. You simply don’t know who is right for you yet. You deserve and will find love. Finding the right person, as much as other dating guides may proclaim, is not about the right outfit, the right restaurant for a first date, or waiting three days after the date to call. It’s about looking inside of yourself, and rebuilding “you” from the inside out.
Only after you know yourself—and how a partner should complement the “real” you—will you truly know if someone is right for you. By changing the focus to you, you are actually in control of finding your special someone. You’re in more control than you realize. Now that’s empowering!

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