THE PRINCIPLES OF INSTANTANEOUS TRANSFORMATION


There is a possibility of experiencing magic in all aspects of your life, including your romantic relationships, those with family and friends, or simply your relationship with yourself.

It is our hypothesis that when the Principles of Instantaneous Transformation are applied to a relationship, the result will be partnership, self-expression, and self-fulfillment. Again, we suggest that you hold in abeyance the tendency to agree or disagree with these principles and merely hold them as a possibility through which you can examine the complexities of relationship.

Following are the Three Principles of Instantaneous Transformation:

1. Anything you resist persists and grows stronger. Have you noticed that if there is something about your partner you don’t like or have tried to change, the more you have worked to change him or her, the more he or she has persisted in staying the same? Eventually, your disagreements with your partner dominate your life and your relationship until they are your only focus. You no longer see the good points, those things that
attracted you to your partner in the first place. You see only faults—or what you consider to be his or her faults. So again, the First Principle is that anything you resist will persist, it will continue, and it will, in fact, dominate your relationship.

2. No two things can occupy the same space at the same time. In any given instant, you can only be the way you are. The idea that if you were different, your life could be different is a useless concept. If you tell the truth about what you see, you will discover that you can only be the way that you are in this moment. Here is an example: If we were to take a camera and photograph you, when the shutter opens, you are captured exactly as you are in that instant of time. In that moment, you could not have been any different than you were when your image was captured, and nothing can be done to change it. Therefore, it could have happened only the way it did and you could have been only the way you were. In your fantasies, you can construct lots of alternative possibilities, but when that camera’s shutter opened and closed, you could have only been the way you were. Most of us do not realize that our lives are made up of a series of moments that could not have played out any differently than they did.



What we are suggesting is that you cannot be different than you are in any given moment, and everything that has ever happened in your life could have happened only that way because it did. This principle, if truly seen, will release you from a lifetime of regret and guilt.


3. Anything you allow to be exactly as it is without trying to change or fix it will complete itself. This means that the mere seeing of an unwanted behavior is enough to facilitate resolution. This principle may be a little more difficult to grasp than the other two. The idea of merely seeing something rather than doing something about what you see seems wrong or incomplete, as if it won’t accomplish anything.
Let’s go back to the conference hall analogy for a moment. Again, let’s suppose you want to cross a room
fi lled with tables and chairs. If it is dark, you will surely but into the obstacles. With light, you can cross the room in a natural manner.

As you walk through the living room of your home each day, you don’t have to remind yourself not to stumble over the couch. It is something that is included in your awareness, and your actions take into account that this piece of furniture occupies space. You don’t work on effectively crossing the room to avoid colliding with it. It is naturally and immediately integrated into your way of being. The couch becomes the background rather than the focus of your attention. So it is with your mechanical behaviors. If you notice you have them
without resisting what you see, they lose their power over your life.

Here is a practical example that demonstrates all Three Principles of Instantaneous Transformation: We once went to a Mexican restaurant in New York’s Greenwich Village. It was an intimate little place near a local hospital. After we were seated and had ordered, we noticed that two tables over, a group of young doctors were having a meal. From the gist of their conversation, we discovered that they were all fairly new
residents. One fellow was particularly loud. He talked about where he went to school and about the senior resident, Dr. Cho. As he went along, he became increasingly animated as he related stories about a woman with ulcers and a man with kidney stones whom he had seen on that morning’s rotation.

The more the two of us tried to distance ourselves from his annoying monologue, the louder and more intrusive it became. Soon our worldview shrank to being dominated by our resistance to the conversation going on at this nearby table. Eventually, our orders came, and we began to eat and chat about our
plans for the day. Just as we were finishing the last of our meal, we realized that not only had the fellow stopped talking, but, unbeknownst to us, he and his colleagues had paid their check and left the restaurant.

Let’s look at this anecdote through the Principles of Instantaneous Transformation. When we first got to the restaurant, expecting to have a quiet lunch, we resisted the fellow who was not only talking to the other doctors at his table but also loud enough to be disturbing to other patrons. We resisted not only the volume but also the content of what he had to say.

By disagreeing with the fact that he was a part of our lunch, behaving as he was, his presence dominated our experience of the moment. This was the First Principle: What you resist persists and grows stronger—or in this case, talks louder. It also involved the Second Principle: No two things can occupy the same space at the same time. When we had our attention fixed on him, he consumed our thoughts.

At some point during our meal, the Third Principle came into play. We didn’t decide to ignore the loud fellow and concentrate on topics of our choosing. We weren’t trying to avoid thoughts of ulcers and kidney stones. This would have been a form of resisting the moment that would have had us back where we started. We just put our attention on each other and our meal. In other words, we didn’t try to change or fix the
situation or our irritation. We allowed the situation and our response to be exactly the way they were, without judging him or ourselves. We also didn’t act out or express our irritation.

And the situation resolved itself. When we took our attention away from our complaints, the doctors paid their bill and left the restaurant unnoticed. When you allow something to be exactly the way it is, it allows you to be.

CREATING THE FOUNDATION FOR A MAGICAL RELATIONSHIP


As you begin reading this book, ask yourself why you have picked it up. Is it because you have heard good things about it? Were you attracted to the title or cover? Perhaps you are stuck somewhere on your personal journey toward creating a magical relationship. Or perhaps you are searching for tips to fi x your partner so that he or she is less irritating. Maybe you are simply curious. Any reason is valid. To get the most from all that How to Create a Magical Relationship has to offer, it is important that you begin to know yourself.
Since you have picked up this book, chances are you are interested in having relationships that are rewarding to you and to the people with whom you relate. In the following pages, you are likely to come across things that you do and have done naturally all along that work well in your dealings with others. You will also identify things that are impediments to your ability to have a day-to-day sense of well-being. Both are
important.


The ideas presented in this book are a radical departure from working on yourself or your relationship to bring about positive change. This book is about discovering a new way of seeing, a new way of looking at yourself, your life, and your relationships. It will require you to learn a few very simple principles that can shift the way you relate and the way you think about your life.

The two of us have found a far faster and more lasting approach than that of picking on oneself and one’s partner and making endless lists of resolutions designed to force ourselves to behave in a more positive manner. We have discovered the possibility of Instantaneous Transformation.

WHAT IS INSTANTANEOUS TRANSFORMATION?


Instantaneous Transformation is a phenomenon that we will be exploring over the course of this book. This is only the initial foray into an explanation of this complex, yet simple, happening. Transformation is a shifting in the essence of something.

For example, a molecule of water turns from liquid to solid at thirty-two degrees Fahrenheit. Even though its molecular structure stays the same, ice does not resemble water because it has transformed.
It is a shifting of the way you interact with life so that mechanical, automatic, unaware behaviors cease to dominate your choices. Transformation might be equated to a proactive way of life but not in opposition to anything. Most people have determined their lives either in agreement or opposition to something they have experienced or to which they have been exposed. With Instantaneous Transformation, the circumstances
of your life may stay the same, but the way you relate to those circumstances radically shifts. Before
people’s lives transform, they blame their circumstances for how they feel.
However, after transformation takes place, circumstances are no longer the determining factor. It is a state where the mere seeing of a behavior pattern is enough to complete it.

Instantaneous Transformation affects all aspects of a person’s life, not merely one area. It is not produced by will or a desire to transform. It happens to a person, and it happens when a person lives life directly rather than thinking about how to live life the “right” way. Transformation is the natural outcome when you bring awareness to your life.

AWARENESS
Our defi nition of awareness is a nonjudgmental seeing. It is an objective, noncritical seeing or witnessing of the nature or “isness” of any particular circumstance or situation. It is an ongoing process in which you are bringing yourself back to the moment rather than complaining silently about what you perceive as wrong or what you would prefer.
Most of us have been taught that when we become aware of something, we then have to do something to change or fix what we discover. With Instantaneous Transformation, awareness itself is often enough to facilitate resolution without doing anything about what is seen.
You could equate it to walking through a large conference hall with the lights turned off. If there were chairs and tables strewn about and you attempted to cross the room directly, you would undoubtedly stumble or fall. However, with light, you could easily avoid all of the obstacles. Merely by illuminating what is, those pitfalls that stand in the way of having a harmonious relationship can be circumvented. This is accomplished
not by rearranging the chairs or tables but by simply bringing awareness to them.

An Anthropological Approach
Our approach is anthropological in nature. Rather than being concerned with why people are the way they are, we are interested in seeing the mechanics and dynamics of how people function. An anthropologist suspends judgment to study cultures objectively—not as right or wrong, good or bad, or as something that needs to be fi xed or changed, but simply to see their social mores, customs, and standards. He or she
observes how a culture operates and interacts. We invite you to investigate your way of relating through this anthropological metaphor. Be a scientist and objectively, without judgment, study a culture of one—yourself.
In order to create a magical relationship, it is important that you learn the art of self-observation without self-reproach.
Most of us do not simply observe how we function. Rather, we judge ourselves, comparing how we are to how we think we ought to be based on cultural standards (or the resistance to those standards). We are addicted to fi xing what we perceive as our weaknesses and faults rather than observing ourselves
neutrally. Instantaneous Transformation is not about fixing yourself to be a better you or fi xing your partner to be a new and improved version of himself or herself. It is about being the way you are. If you simply see how you are without judging, manipulating, or trying to fi x what is seen, this will facilitate the completion of unwanted behaviors.
How? Well, neutrally observing something doesn’t add energy to it—for or against—and everything in this universe needs energy to survive. If you don’t energize your habits, they will naturally dwindle and die away all on their own.
It took the two of us many years to discover how to relate in a way that allowed our relationship to fl ower and grow, be nurturing and deepen.
If you pick on yourself, you will pick on your partner. We have discovered that working on yourself
(or your relationship) doesn’t work.

To begin with, see if you can read the information presented without trying to apply it to your life or your way of relating. We realize that this may be challenging, but with Instantaneous Transformation there is nothing that you need to work on or do, try to fi x or change, in order to create a magical relationship.

Agreeing and Disagreeing
Please hold in abeyance the tendency to agree or disagree with the ideas being presented, because if you pick them apart, you will never get the essence of what is being said. This is because if you are agreeing or disagreeing, you are comparing what is being said to what you already know rather than really listening.
Part of the technology of Instantaneous Transformation is to train yourself to listen to the point of view of the speaker rather than think about whether or not you agree or disagree with what is being said. In this case, the written word is the speaker.
To discover something new, you must give up the idea that you already know what is being said. You also have to move past the fear of looking stupid, either to yourself or to others, for not already knowing what you discover. Our request is that you give it a chance. What we are talking about works. It has been proven in the lives of the many people who have mastered the principles in this book. Please know that we appreciate the courage it takes, and we know the discomfort that one goes through in learning any new skill set, and learning the skill set of awareness is no exception.

Agendas
Many people will be reading this book with an agenda to fix something that is wrong with their partner. When this is the case, they will focus on the sections that they feel address their partner’s “problems” and will disregard anything that does not support what they are proving to be true. People gather evidence to support their points of view and disregard anything that does not support them. Take, for instance, the woman
who has the idea that men are crude, rude, and insensitive oafs.
Any time a man is kind, gentle, or nice to her, these behaviors are disregarded. It is not that she thinks to dismiss them; it is as though there is a fi lter that sifts out anything that does not support her point of view. As you read on, we will explore the subject of agendas in more depth. This will support you in becoming aware of your personal fi lters, which were created by a less expanded, younger version of yourself. Your agendas
limit what is possible for you.

Confusion and Paradox
There are two possible impediments that you may meet while discovering how to create a magical relationship and learning the technology of Instantaneous Transformation that need to be addressed. The fi rst is confusion. Since this approach is so outside the commonly held reality regarding relationships,
confusion will be a common response. This is not a problem. It is part of the process when the mind grapples with new ideas.
There are two primary reasons for confusion. The first is when something doesn’t fit what is already known the mind gets confused trying to find a place for it, trying to make it fit, trying to make sense out of it. For instance, if you have been immersed in the idea that having a good relationship is “hard work,” then the concept that your relationship can instantaneously transform won’t make sense. There is a prevalent idea
in our culture that in order to improve your relationship you have to work on it. So the concept of simply bringing awareness to how you are relating, rather than working on your relationship, may be confusing.
The second reason for confusion is to avoid the domination of the information being presented. In other words, people get confused when something conflicts with an agenda that they are currently holding. For example, the suggestion that you can let go of your past and it no longer has to determine how you are in relationships today, in this moment, is extremely confusing to one who is determined to prove that his or her parents have caused irreparable damage by their dysfunctional way of relating. If you are committed to proving a point of view, such as “I am not responsible for how I relate; my parents screwed me up,” then confusion is an effective device to avoid giving up that point of view.

The second possible impediment is paradox, which happens when there are two seemingly conflicting or contradictory ideas that are both actually true. A classic example of paradox would be the statement, “Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.” These are two seemingly contradictory statements, but if you have ever seen a river after it has overflowed its banks in a flood, then you know that these two
statements are both possible at the same time. In a flood situation, there is water everywhere, but you certainly would not want to drink it.

Here is a story that illustrates paradox: A master and his servant were crossing a desert. They came to an oasis and decided to spend the night. In the morning, they awoke to discover that their camels were gone. The master said to his servant, “Where are the camels?”

To which the servant replied, “Well, I just did what you always tell me to do.”
“What is that?” asked the master.
“You always tell me to trust in Allah, so that is what I did. I trusted Allah would take care of the camels.”
“Ahh,” the master replied. “This is true. Of course, you must trust in Allah, but you also must tether the camels.”

The paradox in a transformational approach to creating a magical relationship is that there is nothing to do with what you discover. Sometimes, though, things need to be done. For example, if you do something without awareness that is hurtful to your partner, a simple recognition without judging yourself for the behavior can be enough to dissolve the pattern and yet you may still need to apologize. Learning Something New What needs to be addressed next is how the mind works. It operates much like a computer, sorting information by similarities to or differences from what it already knows. This is a very useful function; however, it can also work as an obstacle to discovering anything that exists outside the known.
Our minds function by extrapolating from our past. They can only suggest possible futures based on what is already known. So if you have never had a good relationship, to conceive of a great one is impossible. It is much more difficult to see what you don’t already know because the mind is likely to fi ll in with past information and knowledge that colors the moment. Take, for example, the old expression, “Paris in the
the spring.”

“Paris in the spring” is a saying that you may have heard many times. But, when you read the statement above, did you notice anything out of the ordinary? Did you see that in fact this quote had a duplication of the word the? It actually reads “Paris in the the spring.” The mind sees what it is expecting to see and often overlooks what is really there. It will rearrange what is actually being said to fi t its logic system.
If you read this book to see if you agree or disagree with what is being said, you will miss what is new because you can only agree or disagree by comparing what is said to what you already know. You will be inadvertently reinforcing all the ways you currently relate, including those aspects of your relationships
that you fi nd distressing.

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My Beautiful Distraction