THE Candy STORE
“Sex is like a small business. Ya’ gotta watch over it.” —MAE WEST
One Jujube at a Time
If you look at the run-of-the-mill survey of what men find attractive in a woman, you’ll get the basic, boring, predictable answers: “Studies have concluded that what men look for is . . . appearance, chemistry, and the way a woman carries herself.” What a shocker!
Then you turn the page. “Buy a new lip gloss . . . pluck out all your eyebrows and draw them back in . . . stick three vials of collagen in your glossed-up lips . . .” And this will get him eating out of your hand, right? Not in this life. You’ll be right back where you started but with no eyebrows.
Ever wonder why you see a gorgeous guy marry the girl-nextdoor? To your eye she looks plain, but to his eye she’s a “natural beauty.” It doesn’t matter if her most glamorous moment was winning the Miss Pumpkin Patch contest on a farm at age six. When he goes to bed with her, he’s happier than a fat rat in a cheese factory.
In general, there are two things a woman does to encourage a man to fall madly in love after he is attracted to her. First, she appeals to his imagination, sexually. Second, she waits a little while before consummating the relationship, sexually. This brings us to the “candy store” theory: Don’t give up the candy store at once.
Give it one jujube at a time.
ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #21
If a man has to wait before he sleeps with a woman, he’ll not only perceive her as more beautiful, he’ll also take time to appreciate who she is.
What men don’t want women to know is that, almost immediately, they put women into one of two categories: “good time only” or “worthwhile.” And the minute he slides you into that “good time only” category, you’ll almost never come back out.
It’s not that the bitch is slutty or more conservative—it’s that she demands that he treat her as though she is “worth-while.” And, more often than not, it means revealing her sexuality a little at a time.
With her demeanor, the bitch is subtly “driving that train.”
Because he perceives her as slightly standoffish, he knows a lot of other men can’t get to her. In fact, he’s not even sure if he can have her. So he’ll rarely get the luxury of being able to assume that she’s a “good time only” companion.
The doormat is more likely to be perceived as a pushover sexually because she’s more likely to sleep with a man for the wrong reasons—and much too soon. It has nothing to do with whether she appears conservative. Whether her style is long skirts and a ponytail and she attends napkin-folding class—or she wears sexy clothes and seems like a party girl—the out-come can be the same. In either scenario, if she has sex with a man because she feels she needs to do so in order to win him, he’ll sense it and begin to lose respect for her.
A man named Brad described this distinction: “There are two types of sexy. The woman who is obviously trying to be sexy. Then there is the woman who isn’t trying to be sexy—she just is. Most guys find the second one to be much sexier. It may not seem like that, because the woman who is trying hard will get you to do a double-take because she’s more obvious about it. But the woman who isn’t trying is sexier. And that’s the girl you’ll take seriously.”What is more interesting is that Brad is just out of college. And if a guy in his early twenties saw this with 20/20 vision, rest assured— so will most men you meet.
The following table shows how a man can quickly make these observations with relatively little information. Note that both types of women exude sexiness, yet one appears needy and the other doesn’t.
A “GOOD TIME ONLY” WOMAN VS. A “WORTHWHILE” WOMAN
She talks a lot about sex on the first date or in the first phone conversation.
She flirts more subtly and uses body language to convey her sensuality.
She wears an outfit that is very short, showing leg, cleavage, and back. Her sexuality is overstated. She follows the pattern of what he sees all the time.
She shows one physical attribute. Or she wears something that’s slightly sheer. Her sexuality seems like it’s a part of who she is.
It doesn’t seem forced.
She compliments him incessantly or hangs all over him.
She keeps him interested by giving him compliments when he’s hoping to have sex, so he feels he’s “in the game.”
She wears a black lace teddy for him on the third date, leaving nothing for him to imagine.
She hangs the same nightie on the back of her bathroom door, so he sees it when he uses her bathroom. Then his eyes almost burn a hole through her clothes as he imagines seeing her in it.
On the second date she invites him in. He promised they’d “just cuddle.” They end up sleeping together ; but she ends up feeling insecure about it. He has then had the whole candy store.
They kiss passionately at the door. She’d love to invite him in, but she controls her own urges and tells him good night on her porch.
The spark fizzles. The spark doesn’t fizzle . . . it ignites.
How long should you wait before having sex? As long as you can. At the very least, keep it platonic for the first month. This tactic gives you time to learn about him. You don’t want to wait until after you sleep with him to learn he’s married. Or that he has an ex-girlfriend who has chronic car problems and regularly needs a lift. Or that his first cousin recently dumped him when he cheated on her with her older sister.
Giving up the candy store one jujube at a time isn’t about being celibate or virginal. It is about ensuring that you look out for number one. It ensures that the man develops a habit of putting forth effort so that you are treated the way you want to be treated.
Not having sex right away is about playing your cards right so that small things matter. This is when he’ll get a chill down his spine because you gently hold his hand in a public place. Or he’ll call you several times just to get a glimpse of you. And in his mind, you are the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. It’s all about having that magic spark. And men live for that spark.
ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #22
Sex and the “spark” are not one and the same.
A Sweeter Victory
If a man feels as though he has to win you over first—sexually with his manliness, wit, or charm—he will place a higher value on you.
Men are possessive. He likes knowing that other men cannot easily get to where he is trying to go. Like he’s Captain Kirk and Christopher Columbus all wrapped up in one, he wants to explore new terrain not trampled on by too many men before him. And he judges whether you make “the rounds” by one thing and one thing only: how quickly you give it up to him.
It is true that there are those rare “chance” liaisons between two people who are generally not promiscuous, and it ends up working out well. But this is the exception, not the rule.
One of my closest girlfriends, Brittany, is a pharmacist and a beautiful “worthwhile” woman with a lot going for her. Almost always, she sleeps with a man on the first couple of dates.
Recently she slept with a guy she really liked. Right after they had sex, he appeared to be in his own thoughts. Then he looked at her and asked, “Do you do this with all the guys?” She recalled how it made her feel: “I was mildly insulted!”
If you have sex immediately with a man, he’ll say to himself, for a short while, “She just couldn’t resist me!” But then he’ll begin to scratch his head and wonder how many other men you also couldn’t resist.
ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #23
Before sex, a man isn’t thinking clearly and a woman is thinking clearly. After sex, it reverses. The man is thinking clearly and the woman isn’t.
When sex happens at lightning speed, the man has achieved what he wanted. The reason he thinks more clearly after sex is that he’s relieved and has already attained his goal. Meanwhile, the woman is just starting to pursue her goal. She has unfinished business. Then she chases him . . . and he runs.
Like it or not, in the beginning you’re subtly negotiating the terms of your relationship. And if you strike a deal too soon, you give up all your bargaining power. The bitch takes her time deciding whether the man is someone she wants to strike a deal with in the first place. And she won’t be a pit stop or a notch on a belt.
At first, he wants to sleep with you. He doesn’t care what you do for a living. He doesn’t care what kind of car you drive. He doesn't care that you like a doughnut and coffee in the morning with Equal and nonfat milk. So you have to turn it into something else.
When you make him wait, he begins to notice that you are “different.” And that’s when he begins to care that you like nonfat milk, not cream, in your coffee.
ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #24
Every man wants to have sex first; whether he wants a girlfriend is something he thinks about later. By not giving him what he wants up front, you become his girlfriend without him realizing it.
Men like the game that women find maddening. Picture the following scenario: A red-blooded American male is watching a Super Bowl game in which the score is 47 to 3. That’s not very exciting, right? But if he’s watching a Super Bowl game that goes into overtime—now he’s on the edge of his seat for three hours. His team triumphs and he starts screaming: “Yes! Yes!” His favorite sports idol on TV is now spanking everyone else on the rear while he’s breaking out the drinks for a celebration.
Ten years later, if you were to ask him about that game-winning final play, he’d describe it as though it happened yesterday. The same thing happens when a woman gives herself over slowly. He becomes much more excited about it.
This may sound “old school,” but rest assured it is advice based on countless interviews I conducted with men, both young and old.
A perfect example is Nathan. He just turned twenty-five, and he does pretty well with the ladies. Here’s what he had to say, wordfor- word:
If she gives it up too soon, we stop with the romance and we stop working at it. And truthfully, we’d rather be working hard at it. We enjoy playing the game, and if it ends too soon, we’re disappointed. We even struggle inside, subconsciously. We know we want to get it, but we know we want the girl to make us wait. Otherwise, it’s a one- or a two-time thing. And then you move on.
Granted, there are some men who don’t want to invest any effort. These are the men who subscribe to the “three-date rule.”
This rule holds that if a woman doesn’t put out by the third date, the man should stop pursuing her altogether.
There are men who truly want to find a woman they can spend time with. However, the “three-date rule” is for men who have ruled out this option entirely; they just want to hit and run. If a man leaves because he didn’t score by the third date, it’s a clear signal he would have left after getting it anyway.
The nice girl is more likely to feel obligated, pressured, or manipulated to sleep with a man early on. She sleeps with him and then believes she’ll hook him with great sex, as though what she has to offer sexually is “golden.” The bitch understands that the sex only becomes “golden” when he doesn’t get it right away.
Don’t be misled by the fact that men want it quick and they are accustomed to having it be easy. If given the option, most men would love to know how much it would take—the bottom-line dollar figure—to get a woman into bed. It’s almost as if there is an unspoken transaction between the guy and the nice girl, in which a bartered transaction takes place: “Lookie, here. I’m willing to spend the equivalent of two dinners, a bouquet of flowers, and a movie— for a grand total of $255.92. And not a penny more.” He budgets how much he can spend and wants to know how much it will cost.
The bitch is smarter. She knows that if he’s not pursuing her, he’ll pursue someone else. So whatever his budget is, large or small, she makes sure it is spent on her and on no one else. In her mind, she’s the best investment he’ll ever make.
The “three-date rule” will fall on deaf ears with the bitch. She’ll let the guy walk—and she won’t barter. He will end up marrying the woman who doesn’t play by his rules; she plays by her own. Since she has no problem allowing the words See ya later to trip lightly off her tongue, he usually doesn’t feel as if he can get away with disrespecting her.
ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #25
A man intuitively senses whether sexuality comes from a place of security or from a place of neediness. He knows when a woman is having sex to appease him.
Unlike the nice girl, the bitch believes that she has much more to offer than just her sexuality. So she has sex when the feeling strikes her—if and when she’s comfortable with the relationship. She is plenty sexy, which is precisely why she doesn’t throw it out there as if it’s all she has.
After they consummate the relationship, this doesn’t change. He is still unable to predict when he will make love to her. He doesn’t know if it will happen Tuesday or Wednesday. Or Saturday or Sunday. So the mystery and the chase never go away, and he never quite feels he has fully conquered her. And that is because when she has sex with him it’s on her terms.
When sex happens early on because the nice girl wants desperately to hold on to a man, his behavior changes completely The dinners, the candlelight, the flowers—it all comes to a screeching halt. Instead of taking her out to dinner and a movie, now he’s dropping by unannounced with a video because he already knows what’s going to happen.
However, when a woman makes him wait and he’s romantic over time, the dinners and the flowers keep on coming. Why? Because he formed the habit of treating her with respect before he got what he wanted.
ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #26
Bad habits are easier to form than good ones, because good habits require conscious effort.
Waiting encourages this effort.
A quality guy will stick around as long as he is being reassured in two areas: He wants to know that he is sexually desirable to you, and he wants to see signs that he is still in “the game.” As long as he can see the light at the end of the tunnel, he’ll continue to make his way down the tunnel.
However, it won’t take much for him to get a mixed message or to feel he’s being teased. Therefore, the next section will help you with the delicate balancing act you’ll need to perform so he does not feel as though you are teasing him.
The Jujube Installment Plan
As you’re making a concerted effort to keep the relationship out of the bedroom, remember his objective will be different than yours.
You want your feet on the floor; he wants them in the air.
It’s not necessarily helpful that you absolutely dig the guy and that you are just as turned on as he is. Giving him a mixed message will be easy, because he’s ever so sexy and he’s trying to seduce you.
And he’ll be on the lookout for any signal whatsoever that you’ve given him a green light. So it’s important to keep the signals very clear:
Red means no.
Green means go.
Yellow means you’re a tease, which will piss him off.
For example, perhaps your top comes off, or there’s a little bit of grinding action while you’re kissing on the couch. A few minutes later, he’ll think you’re ready to roll. This is not the time to say, “No, I’m just not ready.” Telling him this is like taking candy away from a child after you’ve already let him taste it.
You can’t titillate him to the point of no return and then say, “No, I just don’t feel right about it.” He’ll be thinking, “How do you not feel right about it when you’re topless, you’ve been grinding me for an hour, and your pants are unbuttoned?”
ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #27
If you pull the sexual plug at the last minute, he’ll label you a tease.
This is where we get the term hot and bothered. After he’s no longer hot, he will be pissed off and “bothered.” He’ll have far less desire to engage in the game because you’ve taken all the fun out of it. He no longer thinks you are playing fair, and his feelings will change from lust to resentment. If he feels he’s being teased, he may stop pursuing you altogether.
Think about it. You can’t show a dog a T-bone steak for an hour and then throw him a celery stick. If you want a man to respect you, you have to play fair.
The following guidelines will allow you to delay the time before you have sex without being perceived as a tease:
In the beginning, try not to be alone at his place or at yours, especially very late at night.
Do things socially that require that you to meet somewhere in public. Or have him pick you up and then have somewhere to go.
Do fun things during the daylight hours. If you go biking, it will seem like a red light. But if you’re both wrapped up in a blanket in front of a fireplace with a bottle of wine at midnight, he’ll assume you’ve given him a green light.
Give kisses that are sexy and sensual. But do it while you’re out, where it is unlikely to last too long. Don’t get him worked up when you’re alone together, while rolling around on the floor, a bed, or the couch.
The first few times you go out, he may want to come in late at night, after your date. If you think he’s going to make a move but you aren’t quite ready, abort the mission at the door. If you live in an apartment building, say good night in the lobby. “Thanks so much, I’ve had a great time.”
Smile a lot, laugh at his jokes, and be good company.
You want him to think of you as a friend as well as a lover. It’s a great sign if he babbles on about himself, especially if he’s a little nervous. If he likes you, he’ll want to open up.
Flirt in moderation. Be careful of sexual joking because it’s never really a joke. A lot of times men will use humor to see where the parameters lie. Don’t be a prude—you can laugh at the jokes and be playful. But don’t stay on the subject of sex for a long time, or he’ll view it as a green light.
Compliment him. Let him know he’s desirable to you.
For example, lean close and smell his cologne when he gives you a hug. Or tell him he looks gorgeous.
This subtly confirms you choose to wait for reasons that have nothing to do with his desirability.
Show that you are affectionate and loving. Hold hands or put your head on his shoulder so he feels manly.
Rub his leg lightly while you are at the movies. But don’t tease him; this means stay close to the knee.
Don’t graze private areas or he’ll see a green light.
Try not to get into heavy petting in the car when he drops you off, or he’ll want to get busy. Even the guy with the new BMW who makes you wipe your feet before sitting on his leather seats won’t hesitate to get some “play” in his car. That’s why he bought it in the first place.
If it’s late at night, don’t say, “Okay, come in . . . just for a minute.” Don’t ask him to come in to meet your cat, Cushy. Don’t offer coffee. Don’t offer tea. Don’t show him your remodeled place. There’s no such thing as “just for a minute” after midnight.
Don’t let on you are pacing it, even though you are.
Don’t ever tell him he’ll be waiting at least a month.
Don’t indicate whether he’s “getting warm” and try not to give him a threeday weather forecast for predicting that you’ll soon be ready. Just don’t create the opportunity for something to happen if you aren’t ready to allow it to happen.
Don’t believe him when he says, “We’ll just cuddle.”
Even if you’ve known him for a long time and he’s a perfect gentleman with extraordinary restraint, the objective is not to tease him.
Be affectionate in public. It’s generally pretty safe, because it can’t go any further.
A textbook example of a sexual mixed message happened with my friend Pam. Last winter, she invited a guy to come into her home after a date because it was really cold in his car. She made hot chocolate and put on comfortable baggy flannel pajamas. They started to kiss. She assumed the flannel pajamas were so conservative that he wouldn’t perceive it as an invitation to have sex. She was surprised to discover that he had much more than hot chocolate on his mind.
Bedroom clothes are b-e-d-r-o-o-m clothes to a man. Wearing something cozy that you sleep in (even ugly boxers or flannel sleepers) will be perceived as a green light.
Even though he’ll subtly pressure you, if he really likes you, a part of him deep down will want you to make him wait. He wants to believe you are “different.” He wants you to think he is neat, cool, and handsome. He wants you to laugh at his jokes and think he is funny. He wants a goddess. He wants . . . Wonder Woman.
So how do you give him this impression? Simple. Let him pursue you and don’t give yourself over too easily. Throw on a pair of gogo boots and suddenly you become the Wonder Woman of his dreams.
The Sweet Spot
When a man and a woman become lovers, there are still behaviors that differentiate the doormat and the dreamgirl.
One of the biggest mistakes the nice girl makes is she competes with other women. She may ask him about another woman in the room, “Is she pretty?” Or, she may be competing with whatever she thinks he fantasizes about: a model, a centerfold, a stripper, or a porn star.
ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #28
If he makes you feel insecure, let your insecurity be your guide.
It’s often said that a woman doesn’t reach her sexual peak until after she turns thirty. It takes a lot of women until then to overcome their insecurity or the feeling that they have to compete with other women. Sex becomes better because she can tell him what she likes. She’s more secure. She’s more assertive. She can let go because she is not self-conscious.
A lot of women feel pressured to live up to an ideal. Or they feel that in the bedroom they have to put on a riveting performance. I’ve even heard some men critique women and say, “The louder she screams, the better.”
A look at how widespread pornography has become only confirms how unrealistic the standards have become. Even porn movies utilize fake “voiceovers.” This means that the girl screaming, “Yes! Yes! Give it to me, yes!” is often a fully dressed 400-pound woman who is sitting on a stool in a studio and screaming into a microphone.
The bitch doesn’t usually define herself by outside standards. But often, women who are too nice are too busy trying to measure up.
When a woman is too concerned with performance issues in bed, she completely forgets why she’s there in the first place. It’s not sex; it’s “animation” time.
How to Fake an Orgasm—
The Animated Guide
Arch your back at a 45-degree angle and pant like a dog.
Recite a couple of bad lines from a B-rated blue movie. Example: Tell Big Poppa he does it for you like no one else can.
And the basics: “Yes, yes, yes . . . harder, harder. . . don’t stop!”
Then you’ll want to immediately slap the nearest pillow.
Mix it up. This means sometimes you’ll want to slap the pillow then scream, other times you want to scream first, then slap the pillow.
Men love variety.
Don’t forget to suck your finger.
Now for show and tell: Ask him whose “it” is, and tell him that it’s his!
If he switches positions, stops for a rest, or reaches for a drink of water, pay no attention and keep screaming anyway.
Now for the alleged orgasm: Scream like a ban-shee, and begin those Kegel exercises. Squeeze . . . release . . . squeeze . . .
And after sex, don’t forget pillow talk. You’ve had two men before him. (Okay, three, tops. But that’s your final offer.)
WARNING: If your man sees this page, it could have an adverse effect (erectile dysfunction).
A bitch is far less likely to put on a “cartoon” show. She is much more honest. She asks for what she wants. If he doesn’t do it right, she won’t encourage him by giving disingenuous feedback. Yet then he doesn’t learn how to please her, and that won’t work because the bitch rightly cares about her own pleasure.
I don’t recommend that a woman fake an orgasm. This little lesson is a satire on the pressures women feel to perform. If a man makes you feel as though you are on stage competing in a pageant, don’t sleep with him.
It is much more of a turn-on to a man when a woman is able to be herself and she’s honest about what she likes and dislikes. A man loves watching a woman get off; it’s an automatic turn-on. And that’s much more important than putting on an award-winning performance.
ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #29
A quality guy fantasizes about a woman who genuinely loves sex.
Half of pleasing him is getting off yourself, not faking it. It’s true that a man’s ego has to be stroked and properly dealt with, but that’s what your satisfaction accomplishes. The same principle that holds true outside the bedroom holds true inside the bedroom: The bitch can better please him because she is more concerned with pleasing herself. He knows without question that she loves every minute of it. And this feeds his ego like nothing else can.
The nice girl will also make the mistake of being disingenuous in other ways. For example, suppose she sleeps with him on the second date and he asks how many lovers she’s had. She gives the oldest line in the book: “I’ve only had three lovers.”
The bitch will not go there. She won’t sleep with a guy right away and then try to give the almost-virgin shtick: “I’ve only had three lovers . . . the first one hurt . . . the second wasn’t as good as you . . . the third one had three inches and thirty seconds of fury . . . and the fourth . . . uh, oops . . . there wasn’t a fourth. Okay, yes, there was a fourth. But we didn’t go all the way, so it doesn’t count . . . the fifth one doesn’t matter either because I was drunk . . . .”
If you tell him you’ve had three lovers and you are over the age of a fetus, he’ll know you’re a straight-up liar. Show him with your actions that you are a classy woman by letting him wait. And if he pries or wants to know about your private life say, “I probably haven’t been with as many men as you’ve been with women.” If you become defensive as if you have something to hide, up goes the red flag.
What do you do when he boasts about his past conquests? The last thing you want to do is listen, because you’ll get the embellished version—and you might actually believe some of it is true.
The bitch is the woman who will look at her watch in an effort to drop a hint when he brings up another woman. She already knows what she has to offer is enough—take it or leave it. And if he doesn’t change the subject by the time she’s done winding her watch, she will. “Honey, I’m not one of the guys. Please don’t tell me about other women you’ve been with.”
ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #30
Any time a woman competes with another woman, she demeans herself.
Remember, inside the bedroom as well as outside the bedroom, men are used to women who are insecure, which is all the more reason to be different. You need to exude the attitude that you are confident and that you aren’t concerned with whether you measure up or whether another woman can steal him away.
If the subject of other women comes up, casually throw this into one of your conversations: “If any woman can steal a guy away from me, then she can have him because I wouldn’t want him anymore.” Then smile, take a sip of your wine, and change the subject. “Seen any good movies lately?”
If you don’t trust him, stop seeing him. But until he gives you a reason not to trust him, behave as though you trust him. It will make you look secure with yourself as if you are saying with your actions, “Well, of course, you want to be with me!”
ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #31
When there is that undeniable “spark,” there is only one key to the lock.
A quality guy wants to feel trusted because it makes him feel as though you believe in his character. Until he gives you a reason not to trust him, trust him. If he’s falling in love with you, he won’t tell you he wants to be with you exclusively— you’ll automatically know. He’ll be calling you every day and he will insist that you date only him. Because he won’t want anyone else coming near his dreamgirl.