DEFINING YOU MEANINGFUL GOALS

Any goal-setting agenda begins with evaluating the current state of affairs. In the case of deceptive brain messages, you need to look at the costs to you of continuing on your current path. Let’s start by considering how much your behaviors and thought patterns are interfering with your life and impeding you from reaching your goals. Answering the questions below, use the goals you generated earlier and add new ones that may have come to mind.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT YOU WANT TO STOP?
(e.g., eating carbs when I am stressed out; using alcohol to calm myself after I get into an argument with someone; calling my ex-boyfriend whenever I feel lonely)

WHAT ARE YOU NOT DOING THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO?
(e.g., eating healthfully; exercising more often; spending time with friends; meditating in order to notice my thoughts and soothe myself)


Now that you understand how important effort is in achieving your goals and that competing priorities and desires can derail those efforts, rate how meaningful each of your goals is to you on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 = not important at all, 5 = moderately important, and 10 = extremely important (a priority in my life). Also rate how much effort you are willing to put forth or which other opportunities you are willing to forgo to achieve each of your goals using a similar scale of 1 to 10, where 1 = will not expend any effort, 5 = would be willing to work hard/give up other things 50 percent of the time, and 10 = will work hard/prioritize this over everything else 100 percent of the time. We have provided a sample chart to help you get started. (Note: Use the categories only if they are helpful to you; otherwise simply list all of your goals on page 54—but make sure you do not include desires or cravings.) We have left intrinsic qualities, such as being honest, caring, or hardworking, out of this table because they represent values that tend to not include tangible goals.
They certainly provide your life with meaning, but for the purposes of this exercise we want you to focus on accomplishments, relationships, and leisure/ self-care.


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WHERE DESIRE WAS, EFFORT AND EXPECTATIONS WILL BE

Why is it that some people seem to be able to change a habit quickly or bounce back from difficulties,
whereas others remain depressed, anxious, or addicted? Part of the answer clearly lies in how deeply
entrenched deceptive brain messages are and how strongly the patterns are wired into the brain. Once you know that your brain wiring is a large part of the problem and that you can do something about it, what causes some people to put forth the effort to make changes while others do not?

While no one knows all the answers, David D. Burns, M.D., a psychiatrist and author of the bestseller Feeling Good, has an idea about what separates out those who succeed. He has been studying who will improve from a depressed state by analyzing variables that scientists and therapists have assumed were key, such as motivation, character traits, and length of depressive episode. From his work, he found that putting forth the effort to learn specific ways to soothe oneself (known as emotion regulation skills) and examining thought patterns (i.e., identifying and Reframing deceptive brain messages) are among the best predictors of who will improve when they are feeling depressed. In essence, the people who are willing to put forth the effort required of them to heal tend to do better.


This is not that surprising a finding, but here’s where it gets interesting. While effort was positively correlated with good responses (i.e., the more effort, the more improvement), desire to feel better was actually negatively correlated with positive outcomes. In other words, strong desire to feel better without the corresponding effort actually made things worse.

DESIRE
The experience of wanting to avoid something unpleasant or wanting to achieve a pleasant result.
At first, this finding may not make much sense. Most people assume that desire is a strong motivating factor in getting you closer to your goals. While that intuitively makes sense at some level, Donald D. Price, Ph.D., a distinguished placebo researcher at the University of Florida, knows this is not the case. He has been studying the placebo response for more than twenty years and has seen firsthand how desire can actually make a person feel worse.

Through his research, Price discovered that expectation of a positive result—for example, expecting pain relief when an inert cream is applied—is more important than desire in determining how much pain relief you experience. In his studies, if a person expected a placebo cream to work, his pain was much less than when he did not expect the cream to work. Even more intriguing, when people were told they were going to receive a drug known to cause pain relief in most people (it was really saline) before undergoing a painful experimental procedure, they reported that their pain relief was of a similar magnitude to what one would have with a therapeutic dose of novocaine. In related non-placebo studies, Price found the same thing: If a person had low expectations, coupled with a high desire to avoid an unpleasant outcome, he actually felt worse. The key finding from Price’s work is that desire—in many cases—works against you.

From the findings of Dr. Burns and Dr. Price, it seems clear that what you think motivates and sustains your effort may not be what actually gets you closer to your goals. Expectations, it appears, are far more important than desire in achieving results. If you, like most of the world, made the assumption that desire was key, these beliefs may be part of the reason you have not made more progress in countering deceptive brain messages in the past.

Remember what Connie described when she got so frustrated and angry—feeling overwhelmed and having a strong desire to rid herself of the uncomfortable sensations that were caused by her deceptive brain messages? When she could not achieve what she wanted (e.g., completing a specific therapy exercise), Connie’s deceptive brain message swooped in and told her she should be able to do it—thereby implying that something was wrong with her. This caused the uncomfortable sensations of anger and frustration to rise in Connie—negative sensations she wanted to be free from immediately. Her desire for relief was high and her expectation of achieving her goal, which had switched from completing the therapy exercise to feeling better immediately, was low. As long as she maintained the unrealistic expectation to get rid of those uncomfortable sensations and feel better, she was stuck and would feel worse—exactly what Price found in his research studies.

Instead, when she called the sensations what they were—anger and frustration—she was able to switch gears and focus her attention on a realistic expectation, such as completing the therapy exercise one more time for the day or switching to another exercise that was similar but easier for her to complete. It was only when she applied considerable effort to focus her attention on things that mattered to her (by creating a reasonable and achievable expectation based on her meaningful goals) that she was able to move forward and change her brain.

From our perspective, deceptive brain messages are harmful because they create unrealistic expectations coupled with strong desires that cause you to act in unhealthy ways to achieve momentary relief. By trying to achieve momentary pleasure or rid yourself of an uncomfortable sensation, you engage in actions that are not consistent with your long-term goals and values. This causes you to feel worse about yourself and the situation in the end.

What is desire and why is it not the best motivator when you are dealing with deceptive brain messages? Desire truly is a form of craving for an outcome, an event, or a specific feeling. As you will learn in chapter 4, craving originates in the brain’s Drive and Reward centers—two regions that are focused on self-preservation and instant gratification. Why is this problematic? Remember that the brain is constantly receiving inputs and is heavily influenced by the environment, which means desire and craving are based on the momentary, fluctuating signals generated by your brain. In this way, desire emanates from basic brain drives that are designed to satisfy short-term goals, not the longterm goals related to your true self.

Responding to desire indiscriminately (i.e., without awareness) is like building a house of cards.
Eventually, the whole thing is going to come crashing down because desire is not based on anything constant or stable. Rather, desire and craving ebb and flow based on what is happening in the world and in your brain. Desire can easily be derailed by competing priorities, lack of rapid results, or boredom. More to the point, any specific desire that is present right now can be overshadowed by another desire that is stronger or that pops up a few moments later.6 That is why we want you to learn how to become aware of strong desire and craving as it arises and Relabel it with Step 1. As Connie’s story shows, putting forth the effort and setting realistic expectations based on meaningful goals are critical to succeeding. How do you strengthen your resolve to put forth the effort? The first step is seeing that there is a problem and that basing your level of effort on desire or craving is a losing proposition.

With these research findings in mind, think about the ways in which desire can fail you. Desire affects all aspects of our lives, from our eating habits to relationships to work. Some ways desire can wreak havoc in your life include the following:

• Causes you to want things you cannot have (leaving you feeling sad or depressed)
• Causes you to do things that are ultimately harmful to you
• Creates unrealistic expectations that do not come true
• Prioritizes based on brain-based craving, not on what is best for you in the long run (which can cause you to lose time or not complete important tasks)
• Fails to maintain the same level of effort when times get tough or the situation seems impossible (e.g., whatever you wanted to happen isn’t occurring fast enough, so you give up—a good example of this is weight loss, changing your eating habits, or exercising more)
• Competes with and overtakes other cravings (such that new cravings arise that overshadow/replace the former desire)


If you want to submit articles, poems, love stories, love letters, write ups you like to share to us and to the world. Kindly email us at authorsviewpoint@gmail.com We will email you back once it is up on our site with credits and feature you as the author of the month. Continue supporting www.lovelifediaries.blogspot.com Thank You my Loves! ;) 
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DEFINING YOUR MEANINGFUL GOALS HOW DO YOU WANT TO ACT?

GOALS
• Accomplishments: work/career, awards/accolades, giving to others, skills, knowledge, and legacy materials (things that will remain when you are gone, such as educational materials, videos, art, and so on).
• Relationships: family (including children, parents, partners, siblings), friends, pets—any connection that has an emotional component and involves caring about another being.
• Leisure time/recreation/fun/self-care: travel, hobbies, learning for the joy of it, sports, eating better, going to the gym, and other interests that engage/inspire you.

VALUES
• Internal/intrinsic qualities: personal characteristics that you are proud of, such as being loving, caring, giving,
courageous, honest, smart, hardworking, industrious, a good provider, and more.


Now that you understand how important meaning is when setting goals, start defining your true goals and values in the categories listed below. As Frankl notes, prior achievements are important and give our lives meaning, but when facing uncertainty and adversity—such as beginning to tackle deceptive brain messages—looking toward the future is what provides meaning and motivation to persevere when times get tough.

Therefore, in this table, focus on future goals, not past ones that you have already accomplished.


DEFINING YOUR VALUES—WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE?
When times are difficult, you need to use meaningful goals as a foundation to help you persevere through adversity. At the same time, you must muster up the effort to keep going forward, even when your deceptive brain messages are at their worst. How can you generate and maintain a sufficient level of effort to achieve your goals? Let’s review some interesting scientific findings that attempt to address this question


If you want to submit articles, poems, love stories, love letters, write ups you like to share to us and to the world. Kindly email us at authorsviewpoint@gmail.com We will email you back once it is up on our site with credits and feature you as the author of the month. Continue supporting www.lovelifediaries.blogspot.com Thank You my Loves! ;) 
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MAKING MENTAL NOTES


The process of becoming aware of and focusing your attention toward noticing the appearance of a thought, sensation, urge, response, or event as it arises.

Mental notes involve more than simply identifying a deceptive brain message, uncomfortable sensation, or habitual response—they also include focusing your attention on them long enough for you to encode, or remember, the experience without becoming ensnared by it. This allows you to start noticing patterns in your thoughts, urges, sensations, and responses that are unhelpful or harmful to you. When you repeatedly make mental notes, you start to “see” the unhealthy thoughts, urges, sensations, and responses faster and can dismiss them before they spiral out of control. We will teach you more about mental notes in Part Two of the book when we discuss Step 1: Relabel. For now, keep in mind that mental notes are a powerful way to identify your deceptive brain messages and the patterns they create so that you can more rapidly dismiss them and refuse to give in to their commands.


Saying No to False Brain Messages—–Reframing Their Content

Making mental notes was a key step for Connie, but it was not enough on its own. She also needed to evaluate the content of her deceptive brain messages so she could counter and veto them.

One day while at Drake’s assisted living facility, Connie fell in the shower. She was not yet strong enough to walk on her own and was still using a wheelchair. Having no way to summon help, Connie knew she would have to figure out a way to get to the hall. As Connie lay there, she managed to get her upper body onto the seat of the wheelchair and propelled herself forward on her knees. She was making progress, but then her chair got stuck on the door frame. “I had this awful ‘I can’t do this’ moment,” she recalls, and she momentarily gave up.

Then, something miraculous happened. A few moments after saying “I can’t,” Connie realized that she was giving in to a deceptive brain message. She reminded herself of something she had learned years earlier: Whenever she said the phrase “I can’t,” what she was really communicating is “I won’t.” The minute she recognized what was really happening and called it like it was, she remembers, “I was totally empowered to do it.” She turned the deceptive brain message on itself by discounting it and instead believing in herself by saying, “Of course I will! This is ridiculous.” Once she labeled and Reframed the content of her deceptive brain message by looking at it rationally, Connie calmed down, collected her thoughts, and figured a way out of the bathroom, successfully receiving the help she needed.

Connie’s process of Relabeling her negative brain messages (Step 1) and Reframing their content (Step 2) as self-punitive allowed her to veto the intended action (Step 3)—the one telling her to give up and accept defeat. To counteract those negative messages, she used a rational, supportive perspective to see reality as it truly was and believe in herself. In other words, she successfully invoked her Wise Advocate to reevaluate the deceptive brain messages. With its guidance, she chose a positive, healthy response that enabled her to get help.

Veto Power
Another one of Connie’s assets was her ability to focus her attention away from deceptive brain messages and on to activities that helped her regulate her physical and emotional sensations. Struggling daily to make gains in therapy, Connie remembers crying and feeling overwhelmed whenever anyone would come visit her. While she wasn’t depressed or demoralized, she would become flooded with physical and emotional sensations that were out of her control. At one point, a psychologist recommended that she consider taking an antidepressant to deal with her crying spells. The psychologist said to her, “If you are going to cry every time someone comes in, your friends won’t want to come around anymore.” Because of her strong belief in herself and strong alignment with her Wise Advocate, Connie declined the medications and responded by saying, “Look, my friends will come and if they don’t, they’re not friends. I will take care of it.” And she did.

When those overwhelming physical and emotional sensations surfaced, Connie would “stop a second and swallow—then I could get over it.” By focusing on a physical act like swallowing (i.e., Step 3: Refocusing away from the distressing false sensations), Connie was able to move forward. That ability to refuse to give in to her deceptive brain messages—what we call veto power—allowed her to choose new responses that enabled her to interact with her family and friends in the ways she wanted.


If you want to submit articles, poems, love stories, love letters, write ups you like to share to us and to the world. Kindly email us at authorsviewpoint@gmail.com We will email you back once it is up on our site with credits and feature you as the author of the month. Continue supporting www.lovelifediaries.blogspot.com Thank You my Loves! ;) 
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ARE YOU ROMANTIC?

Curiosity and Mystery
One of the essences of romance is the concept of mystery. Do you think the great Italian lovers ever charted out the evening of lovemaking? One of the greatest thrills of a person’s life is not knowing whether the person he is attracted to likes him or not. The anticipation of what might be makes the heart palpitate. It is the predictable men in this world who make good accountants but not great romantics. Also, women tend to be
drawn to the untamable male. Often, the more a man tends to be spontaneous, uncontrollable, and strong, the more the woman yearns for his attention. Also, a man who has a sense of mystery about him is very
sexy -- much like the modern day movie heroes Maverick (Tom Cruise) in Top Gun and Riggs (Mel Gibson) in Lethal Weapon. They were unpredictable, courageous, and mysterious. Most women would love to
be swept off their feet by a charming confident James Bond-agent 007. It is from the spirit of these great lovers and heroes that we derive a conceptual formula for what makes a man romantic. These rules apply to
both men and women.

USING YOUR MIND TO CHANGE YOUR BRAIN

The Power of Self-Directed Neuroplasticity and Meaningful Goals

Imagine what it would be like to wake up one day and not be able to move half of your body. On the
Saturday before Easter in 2001, Connie Smiley experienced that firsthand. An engaging, lively sixtyfive-
year-old outreach coordinator at the Cincinnati Zoo, Connie was driving to the zoo for a Safari pre-trip meeting. As an avid animal lover and former grade school teacher, Connie couldn’t wait for this trip to Africa, which would be her fourth. This time she was going to visit the cheetah sanctuary —a lifelong dream—and tour parts of Africa she had never seen.

As she was driving to the zoo that day, she noticed that something was wrong. “I began to realize that I was having trouble keeping my car from going left,” she says. A little later, while walking on the zoo grounds, she was dragging her left foot slightly and it felt like her left arm was “made out of a ton of bricks.” She met her daughter there, who correctly identified that she was having a stroke and insisted she go to the hospital. Both she and her daughter knew the signs of stroke well because Connie’s husband had a massive stroke ten years prior and lived out his days in a nursing home, unable to care for himself.


Connie was admitted to the hospital and at first her symptoms did not seem that bad. However, by Monday morning—three days after her symptoms began—she could not move the left side of her body at all. “Not a finger, not a toe, nothing,” she recalls. When you have a stroke like that, you lose half of all your muscles, including those muscles involved in chewing, breathing, and speaking loudly. Connie didn’t want to believe what was happening to her and was incredibly disappointed that she was about to miss this amazing opportunity to see her favorite animal in its natural habitat. “Things went downhill from there,” she remembers. Her physicians believed that her stroke was severe and that she would not recover the use of her left arm or leg. They certainly were not sugarcoating her prognosis, as Connie recalls: “My own doctor came in to see me and said, ‘Well, you’ll never walk again.’” Another doctor said she would pray for her. Images of Connie’s husband flashed before her eyes. Would she end up like him, stuck in a nursing home for the rest of her life? Despite what the doctors were telling her, Connie did not give up hope: “I made a decision right then and there, knowing it might not be possible. If there was any way I could keep from ending up like that, I was going to do whatever it took.” Unbelievably, seven weeks after her first symptoms began, the woman whose left side had been completely paralyzed was able to walk with assistance and go
home.

Since her stroke, Connie has made incredible progress. Some of her abilities, such as walking, came back very quickly, whereas others, like holding heavy objects in her left hand, have yet to fully return. Throughout it all, she used Self-Directed Neuroplasticity powered by her meaningful goals to guide and fuel her recovery.
Why introduce you to Connie and her stroke, a physical problem, when we are focusing on overcoming deceptive brain messages? There are several reasons. First, physical struggles and the emotional toll they take often are easier to understand than purely emotional ones. You can see part of the struggle with your eyes and understand it in a more universal way. Second, Self-Directed Neuroplasticity—the underpinning of Connie’s recovery and yours—works in exactly the same way for the physical maladies Connie experienced and the psychological distress caused by deceptive brain messages. This means that everything Connie learned and did can be applied to you. Finally, the challenges Connie faced emotionally and the motivation she had to muster to achieve her goals are similar to what you will face as you work with the Four Steps.

Labeling Physical and Emotional Sensations
Connie’s road to recovery was anything but easy. She spent a week in the hospital and then transferred to Drake Center, an acute rehabilitation facility in Cincinnati, Ohio. There she spent three weeks in the acute inpatient unit and another three weeks at their assisted living center. The days were long and intense. She was making progress every day, but she was not improving as fast as she had wanted or expected. As she remembers, “I think I originally thought I would be back to the way I was before. It took me a while to accept that, no, that’s never going to be.”

The discrepancy between her expectations and reality led to considerable frustration and anger— two emotional sensations that became Connie’s biggest obstacles during her stay at Drake. Often, if she could not achieve what she wanted, she says her frustration would get “to the point where I would start throwing things and losing it.” Her deceptive brain messages were telling her that she was not working hard enough and that she should be able to complete the task. As these negative messages took hold, Connie would be consumed with strong physical sensations—the surging heat of anger— and her thoughts would become clouded. No longer able to focus on the task at hand because her emotional sensations were taking over, she would become stuck.

Rather than stewing in the uncomfortable sensations of rising anger and frustration, Connie labeled her emotions so that they no longer held power over her. “By simply saying ‘I’m mad,’” she recalls, “I wasn’t mad anymore . . . it took care of the problem.” Once she stated what was happening—by making mental notes—Connie was able to get outside of the sensations. Instead of being consumed with anger, frustration, and the powerful physical sensations that accompanied them, Connie would focus her attention toward the task at hand.


If you want to submit articles, poems, love stories, love letters, write ups you like to share to us and to the world. Kindly email us at authorsviewpoint@gmail.com We will email you back once it is up on our site with credits and feature you as the author of the month. Continue supporting www.lovelifediaries.blogspot.com Thank You my Loves! ;) 
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TOP SECRET ON MAKING LOVE HAPPEN

Your Secret Weapon: Handwriting

If you had a secret weapon that allowed you to see inside the enemy’s headquarters to see all their files, documents, and war plans, would your chances for winning be improved? Absolutely. We aren’t at war, but we do have a secret weapon to win over the heart of the one you want. It is the science of handwriting analysis.

If you were ever curious why handwriting reveals so much about a person, just ask a baby. Did you ever wonder how a baby knows to smile when she is happy or pout when she is sad? A baby knows how to smile naturally, just like crying is a natural reaction to being uncomfortable.

She is born with that instinct. If you think about the essence of a smile, a cry, or a pout, you realize these are simply neurological reactions to a specific emotion. Across all cultures, a baby’s smile signifies the same
thing. Therefore, the link between a person’s psychological state of mind and his muscular reactions exists beyond any doubt. Over centuries, muscular reactions to emotions have been categorized and become more
specific. From the smile to the very useful skill of reading a person’s body language, man has improved on learning about the mind from the body. Handwriting is a definite expression of muscular motions that was
often overlooked as a tool for understanding personality. But, when you think about it, you realize handwriting contains the same minute specific muscle contractions and expansions as a baby’s smile. So, with the help of research scientists, handwriting reveals to us much more than the feelings of happiness or sadness.

HOW TO FIND YOUR PERFECT PARTNER?




Finding the perfect mate can be a long and confusing process. In fact, it can drive you crazy. I used to be confused as to what opening line I should use, or how I could convert a new friendship into a romance. I
used to be apprehensive around the opposite sex. I used to say, "I just don’t understand." I used to believe fate was my only ally in finding the right romance. But I don’t think that way anymore. Things have changed.

Purpose
The purpose of this is to take the frustration out of meeting and selecting people to date and improve all your current relationships. It will also help you make better choices and be more effective at accomplishing
your relationship goals. Whether you’re looking to settle down with Mr. or Mrs. Right, or you think it would be exciting to know that anytime, anywhere, you could walk right up to an attractive person, develop
rapport, create chemistry, and if you choose, get a date. If you apply what you learn in this book, you can do just that. I can. My friends and clients who use the skills outlined in this book can do it –anytime, anyplace, regardless of circumstances. I have met and started relationships in elevators, parking lots, movies, and grocery stores and even had women give me their phone numbers...in front of my own date!

YOU ARE NOT A DISEASE OR DISORDER

If biology is not destiny and the brain is constantly sending out false messages, then it follows that you are not what your brain is trying to say you are. You are not a bad person just because those inaccurate and highly deceptive brain messages are present in your head. Rather, you are a person who is experiencing an onslaught of brain-based communications that are not true.

Accepting this fact, we know, can be challenging. Insidious and highly destructive, these types of false brain messages try to convince us that what we are feeling is the truth, that we are defined by our deceptive thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, these messages can become so ingrained and inculcated in our lives that they begin to provide a sense of familiarity and comfort—which makes it all the harder to try to give them up.



If you don’t believe it happens, consider this example from Ed. One day he posed a question to others he knew were also dealing with deceptive brain messages: “If you had a magic wand and could get rid of all your symptoms—be ‘normal’ right now—would you do it?” Surprisingly, some of the people hesitated in answering this question because their lives and identities had become so entwined with their symptoms. Despite improving considerably and having some knowledge that their brains were sending out these caustic messages, Ed’s acquaintances still had trouble de-identifying with their symptoms and their current way of life. Although they wanted to be free from the deceptive brain messages, they were also scared. Who would I be, they asked, if I didn’t have these thoughts, these feelings, these habits? After all, isn’t this what defines me? Isn’t this who I am? Although difficult to believe at first, the fact is the brain is distorting reality by framing the majority of your experiences through the lens of deceptive brain messages. The truth is that you are a good person, worthy of love, attention, affection, and more.

With time and repeated practice with the Four Steps, Ed came to know that this was true. He triumphantly realized one day: “This is just a reality my brain is creating. It is not the truth and I don’t have to believe it.” With this eloquent insight and an ever-increasing belief in himself and his abilities, Ed was able to lift the veil of his deceptive brain messages by saying to himself: “Don’t believe everything you think or feel!” Similarly, Sarah came to this empowering conclusion regarding her symptoms and identity: “This isn’t me, this is depression.”

Separating your identity, your true self, from the deceptive brain messages and unhealthy habits you’re engaging in is critical. Therefore, we cannot overstate this point: You are not a disease, problem, or disorder. You are a person struggling with upsetting symptoms from which you want to find relief. This distinction is crucial because people who realize that they are more than their symptoms feel like they have the power to overcome them. Without this belief in yourself and your abilities, the path to healing will be much more challenging. We hope that this knowledge, along with specific help from us throughout the book, will help you increase your ability to dismiss the deceptive, brain-based messages, believe in yourself, and change your life for the better.

YOU CAN SUCCEED
From the stories of Ed, Sarah, Abby, Steve, and Kara, it is clear that the brain can lead you down a
dangerous path resulting in depression, anxiety, troubled relationships, addiction, excessive anger, emotional isolation, and more. Their stories have highlighted a major roadblock you’ve likely been encountering: a lack of awareness that your brain was running the show.

The true message of this chapter is that you have the ability to define who you aspire to be (your true self) and align your behaviors with those goals. Let’s face it: This is no easy task. We know that to really alter your behavior requires that you fundamentally modify the choices you make on a daily or even minute-by-minute basis. We also know that you are going to have to fight against powerful brain biology in the Habit Center, which acts in a very efficient and automatic way outside of our awareness. Ultimately, you succeed when you recognize that it is not your fault that you are struggling —it’s just that your brain is simply doing what it does best—and resolve to make changes that are in your long-term best interest. That said, the fact that you are up against some intense brain biology does not get you off the hook or give you an excuse to give up—only you can free yourself from the tyranny of bad brain circuits.



If you want to submit articles, poems, love stories, love letters, write ups you like to share to us and to the world. Kindly email us at authorsviewpoint@gmail.com We will email you back once it is up on our site with credits and feature you as the author of the month. Continue supporting www.lovelifediaries.blogspot.com Thank You my Loves! ;) 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DISCLAIMER:Some of the photos, links, articles are not owned by the site, and/ or not being stored by the site.Comments are views expressed by the readers. www.lovelifediaries.blogspot.com may not be held liable for the views of readers exercising their right of freedom to express.If you think we should remove those aforementioned elements due to copyright infrequent, feel free to tell us, and we will comply.

BIOLOGY IS NOT DESTINY

Many of us feel powerless to make a change. We think, “I am these thoughts, I am these urges, this is who I am.” Some feel that even if they seek out treatment and improve, the fact that they have been depressed, anxious, or addicted in the past means they will always be that person, the one with the problem. Or they worry that the symptoms are destined to recur. They believe they were dealt a bad genetic hand at birth and are sentenced to a life of misery and chronic struggle. They often end up thinking, “What’s the point? I can’t beat this thing. I’ve tried before and nothing has ever worked. I might as well give up.”

This is a sad and tragic way to approach life, especially when there is so much we can do about many of our problems and challenges. Granted, we are talking about genetic vulnerabilities or predispositions, not severe genetic diseases, such as Down’s syndrome or Huntington’s disease, that cannot be altered by lifestyle changes. Several examples of genetic vulnerabilities that often come to mind include alcoholism, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and diabetes. What’s most interesting —and applicable to you—is that in all of these cases, the underlying biology you were born with can be heavily influenced by how you act. In fact, there really is no distinction between many physical and psychological ailments in terms of your ability to influence your body and brain to make positive changes in your life.


Equally important, there also is no distinction in how hard it is to make those changes, even when your life depends on it. Yet people often do not make the changes, even when they know it is best for them. This is because change demands considerable effort and a strong commitment. Often, the knowledge that we need to change isn’t enough and shaming us into submission doesn’t help, either. In fact, it usually causes us to react in the opposite way: We become entrenched in our behaviors rather than liberated from them. This is perhaps the most important reason why we must never capitulate to confusing our biology with our true self. What we need instead is to use our awareness of the crucial difference between biology and who we want to be to motivate and empower us to truly believe we are in control of our lives and our health.

The key to succeeding, then, is not merely education and fear tactics, but an awareness that overcoming rote, automatic neural pathways takes an incredible amount of effort, patience, and dedication. Not only do you have to clearly see that you are engaging in these actions and that they are hurting you, you have to expend the effort and energy to recruit different brain pathways and make different choices each time you are confronted with the urge to follow your old ways. It is the same struggle we talked about previously: giving in to short-term rewards and enticements at the expense of long-term gains. It is the dilemma of satiating the brain-based messages in the moment versus choosing actions that are aligned with your goals and values (i.e., your true self). The ultimate goal is seeing that you are far more than your deceptive brain messages and that you can make choices that are in your genuine best interest.



If you want to submit articles, poems, love stories, love letters, write ups you like to share to us and to the world. Kindly email us at authorsviewpoint@gmail.com We will email you back once it is up on our site with credits and feature you as the author of the month. Continue supporting www.lovelifediaries.blogspot.com Thank You my Loves! ;) 
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WHEN THE SYSTEM GOES AWRY


On the surface, it seems like this division of labor between the mind and the brain is ideal. When we are dealing with thoughts, emotional sensations, and actions that are consistent with our true self (who we aspire to be), all is fine. But what if we actually have unhealthy or maladaptive routines programmed into those automatic neural structures and we are not aware that they are happening? For example, what if we’ve taught the brain’s Habit Center to perform an action that is not good for us, like excessively drinking alcohol when we’re stressed or eating ice cream every night (even though we are trying to lose weight) because it makes us feel good?

We’ll talk more about how this happens in later chapters, but for now believe us when we say that the automatic parts of the brain are so efficient that their routines can become wired into our brain without us realizing it and can lead to devastating consequences. That’s why learning how to focus your attention is so important—it is the one variable you have power over that can change your brain. This is why, when the stakes are high, such as continuing to use a drug that is destroying your life, repeatedly eating something that causes your health to suffer, or giving in to anxiety to the point that you avoid things that are beneficial to you, you need to engage the Wise Advocate to recruit the mind to make important long-term decisions.


Unfortunately, many people, when in the grips of sadness, desire, anger, urges, anxiety, fear, or addiction, cannot and do not make this distinction between the mind and the brain. They cannot see what is happening and tend to blindly follow the impulse-laden brain wherever it wants to take them. They accept momentary relief or pleasure at the price of future pains. It makes sense from a biological perspective—we are all wired to use the automatic, energy-efficient parts of our brain first, with the primary goal of survival or safety in that moment. But choosing momentary relief and placing your attention on an unhealthy behavior come at a steep price because these choices can end up shaping the brain in detrimental ways.

We’ll talk more about the mind’s ability to change the brain, known as Self-Directed Neuroplasticity, but first we want to address one other fact: Biology is not destiny. To succeed with the Four Steps and sculpt your brain in the ways you want, you need to believe that you are not destined to live a predetermined life based on your genetics. You have the ability to overcome many of the obstacles you inherited and to influence the ways in which your brain and body function.



If you want to submit articles, poems, love stories, love letters, write ups you like to share to us and to the world. Kindly email us at authorsviewpoint@gmail.com We will email you back once it is up on our site with credits and feature you as the author of the month. Continue supporting www.lovelifediaries.blogspot.com Thank You my Loves! ;) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DISCLAIMER:Some of the photos, links, articles are not owned by the site, and/ or not being stored by the site.Comments are views expressed by the readers. www.lovelifediaries.blogspot.com may not be held liable for the views of readers exercising their right of freedom to express.If you think we should remove those aforementioned elements due to copyright infrequent, feel free to tell us, and we will comply.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR BRAIN

Now that you understand what deceptive brain messages are and how much damage they can cause, you likely want to know the solution: constructively focusing your attention with your mind. What do we mean?

We’ve shown you that the brain is capable of sending out false, deceptive messages in an unrelenting fashion and that these unwanted thoughts and destructive urges can overrun your life. They can take you away from your true self (i.e., your true goals and values) and cause you to live a life devoid of direction. And, as long as you remain unaware of what your brain is doing or believe that there is no way to alter how your brain functions, you are essentially powerless to live life on your terms. There’s no place from which to make a change because the very thing that is generating the deceptive brain messages appears to be running the show.


The good news is that you have an ally that can help you sculpt your brain to work for you, rather than against you: the mind. Although there are many different concepts and definitions of the mind out there, ours is straightforward: The mind is involved in helping you constructively focus your attention. Why is this important? When you learn how to focus your attention in positive, beneficial ways, you actually rewire your brain to support those actions and habits. In this way, the mind gives you the power to determine your actions, decide what is important (and what is not), and reassess the value or meaning of situations, people, yourself, and events.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE MIND AND THE BRAIN
The brain receives inputs and generates the passive side of experience, whereas the mind is active, focusing attention, and making decisions. Another way to think about the difference between the mind and the brain is this: The brain receives information from the environment, including images, verbal communication from others, emotional reactions, bodily sensations, and so on, and then processes that information in an automatic
and rote way. No thought or awareness is involved (at least initially). Once it processes these inputs, the brain presents the information to our conscious awareness.

This is where the mind comes in. At this point, the mind has the ability to determine whether it wants to focus either on that information coming from the brain or on something else. In comparison to the mind, then, the brain is passive—it does not take a long-term, values-based approach to actions. In other words, the brain does not incorporate your true self or Wise Advocate into its processes, but merely reacts to its environment in habitual, automatic ways.

In the case of Kara, her brain was wired to falsely associate bingeing, purging, or excessive dieting with being thinner and loved. As long as she believed in these deceptive brain messages and responded with the same unhealthy behaviors, Kara’s brain was running the show . She would be stuck in unending loops of deceptive thoughts, rising anxiety, and unhealthy actions—and her brain wiring and unhealthy habits would only get stronger and more entrenched. She would not break this cycle until she could begin to engage her Wise Advocate to help her see how destructive those acts were (even though they brought her momentary relief or pleasure). As her Wise Advocate grew stronger, she would actively change how she focused her attention and how she responded to the deceptive brain messages. This would allow her to resist the strong urges to excessively diet, binge, or purge in the future when deceptive brain messages surfaced.

As you can see from Kara’s example, what makes the mind unique is that it has the ability to consider many options and can weigh short-term actions against longer-term goals. In essence, the mind is the agent that ensures you are following the path to achieving your goals as defined by your true self. How does the mind align these goals and actions? By integrating the view of the Wise Advocate and using insight, awareness, morals, and values to guide your responses and empower you to make choices that are in your long-term best interest. The brain, in contrast, tends to act in an automatic way that ensures momentary survival and a sense of safety. Remember Darwin? You can think of the brain as working in the survival-of-the-fittest mode—trying to ensure safety, comfort, or relief in this moment, no matter what the future costs.

Just to be very clear: The brain and the mind work together, as a team. Neither is “better” than the other. We certainly need the brain’s quick actions to survive if we are confronted with a dangerous situation, such as being attacked or about to be hit by a car. That fight-or-flight response is what ensured the survival of our species to this point. In the end, it’s really about balancing the necessary, energy-efficient, and quick actions originating in the brain that ensure momentary survival



If you want to submit articles, poems, love stories, love letters, write ups you like to share to us and to the world. Kindly email us at authorsviewpoint@gmail.com We will email you back once it is up on our site with credits and feature you as the author of the month. Continue supporting www.lovelifediaries.blogspot.com Thank You my Loves! ;) 
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HABITUAL RESPONSES

When someone mentions the word habit, most people think of repetitive physical actions. While those certainly are habits, we consider a larger range of responses to be habits as well. For example, if you constantly avoid a situation, person, or location because of how uncomfortable it makes you feel, you also are acting in a habitual way.

The same goes for engaging in repetitive thoughts caused by deceptive brain messages that do not lead to a solution or any forward progress. Remember Abby’s overactive “guilt machine” that caused her to worry about every little thing related to her family members and Sarah’s struggle to try to figure out solutions for interacting with her friends and coworkers? They each described repetitively thinking about and analyzing situations to try to rid themselves of the horrible sensations they were experiencing. In Abby’s case, the sensation was guilt and for Sarah it was anxiety and depression. Although the content of their deceptive brain messages and their uncomfortable emotional sensations were different, their responses and goals were the same: repetitively thinking about something for which there was no solution and desperately trying to get rid of the uncomfortable sensation caused by a deceptive brain message. (Note: Other words for repetitively thinking about something include rumination, mental compulsions , and overthinking.)


We consider overanalyzing and overthinking to be habitual responses. Therefore, when we talk about the Habit Center and habitual responses, we are referring to repetitive thoughts, actions, or inaction—anything that you do repeatedly that is caused by a deceptive brain message and takes you away from focusing on something that is beneficial to you.

Identifying Your Deceptive Brain Messages
Now that you have a sense of what deceptive brain messages are, you can begin to think about how they are negatively impacting you. Some things, like behaviors and cravings, are easier to identify because you can see or feel them physically. What is harder for many people to identify at first are the thoughts associated with specific actions.

Although it is often difficult initially to see your deceptive thoughts at the beginning, we do not want you to feel discouraged or give up. Through case stories, explanations, and exercises, we will help you recognize the kinds of deceptive, negative messages your brain sends you. The point right now is for you to start becoming aware that these deceptive messages likely are lurking in your brain. How can you begin to recognize the false, negative thoughts associated with your actions and uncomfortable sensations? One of the best ways to “see” the deceptive thoughts is to be attentive to your “negative self-talk”—those things you automatically say to yourself without awareness that are not true and that others might never even suspect were present inside your head. You may have already been exposed to the idea of such deceptive brain messages, just under a different name. Some therapists or authors might refer to them as “cognitive distortions,” “automatic thoughts,” “negative thinking,” or “scripts.” The main point is that these are the disparaging stories you tell yourself—the inaccurate explanations you give for why something is happening the way it is—that cause you to act in habitual ways that are not beneficial to you.

Often, seeing what others have described and experienced can be helpful in identifying your deceptive brain messages. On pages 16 and 17 are examples of deceptive brain messages, uncomfortable sensations, and unhealthy habitual responses we’ve heard over the years.

False Thoughts/Impulses/Urges
(i.e., Deceptive Brain Messages)
• I’m not good enough.
• I should have/I shouldn’t have.
• I’m crazy/I’m a sick person.
• I’m a bad person/I am not as good as . . .
• I don’t matter/Everyone else is more important than me.
• I will be rejected/Everyone thinks I am . . .
• There’s something wrong with me.
• I have no control.
• No one likes me/I am unlovable/I will be alone.
• All of my worth is in taking care of others.
• I don’t deserve to be happy—I deserve to suffer or be punished.
• Everyone else seems to be doing things correctly; what’s wrong with me?
• I want unrealistic or unattainable things, like always feeling “good.”
• I have a repetitive craving for something that ultimately is not beneficial to me.
• I have an urge to escape reality.

Uncomfortable Sensations
• Anxiety
• Pit in my stomach
• Butterflies
• Tightness or pounding in my chest
• Sweating
• Heart beating fast
• Excessive anger
• Heat in my chest, arms, or face
• Sadness/depression
• Fatigue
• Feeling scared/frightened
• Feeling helpless/hopeless
• Having a physical craving for something pleasurable

Habitual Responses
• Using drugs or alcohol
• Shopping/spending money I do not have
• Wasting time on things I do not need to do
• Fighting/arguing
• Compulsive sex
• Excessive eating, dieting, or purging
• Avoiding people, places, events
• Smoking
• Eating things that are not good for me
• Repeatedly checking something (e.g., e-mail, text, facts, information)
• Avoiding unpleasant (but beneficial) things like exercise
• Overthinking or overanalyzing situations, events, problems

Think about your deceptive brain messages and the cycles you go through. What are the false messages your brain sends to you and what do you do as a result of those negative messages? It could range from negative thoughts about yourself to feelings of inadequacy to the desire to escape your reality, indulging in a pleasurable craving, or something else that wastes your precious time and money. What we are getting at are the thoughts, urges, desires, and impulses that cause you to act in ways that take you away from your true goals and values.

Here are examples of how the cycle of deceptive brain messages played out for some of our patients. Read across each row to get a sense of what the person’s thoughts, sensations, and responses were. After you review these examples, we’ll have you come up with some of your own. The clear message in the examples above is that all of the people doubted themselves and their truth, could not see what was really happening, or craved something so strongly that they were unable to follow the path of their true goals and values. To deal with the uncomfortable sensations (both physical and emotional), they did something to alleviate the distress, including looking for reassurance, repeatedly apologizing, checking e-mail, avoiding a situation, using a substance to dull their senses, or indulging a craving to bring themselves momentary pleasure, such as eating sweets or fried food. In all cases, the actions were harmful to them and did not get them any closer to their true goals in life.

With this background, use the table below to figure out your pattern of deceptive brain messages, uncomfortable sensations, and habitual responses. Don’t worry about doing this perfectly or having an
all-inclusive list. This is just a jumping-off point—there will be many more opportunities along the way to refine your list. For now, just see what comes to mind. Remember: We’re trying to increase your awareness of what your brain is doing automatically, without your knowledge. For now, write down some of your deceptive thoughts, uncomfortable sensations, and what they cause you to do or avoid.




If you want to submit articles, poems, love stories, love letters, write ups you like to share to us and to the world. Kindly email us at authorsviewpoint@gmail.com We will email you back once it is up on our site with credits and feature you as the author of the month. Continue supporting www.lovelifediaries.blogspot.com Thank You my Loves! ;) 
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EMOTIONAL SENSATIONS VERSUS EMOTIONS

Something that confuses many people when we talk about the uncomfortable sensations that arise from deceptive brain messages is the difference between an emotional sensation and an emotion or true feeling.
Whenever we talk about emotional sensations, we are referring specifically to those feelings that are evoked by deceptive brain messages and are not based in the truth. For example, if you are feeling sad because you lost someone you care about, that is an emotion based on a real event. In all likelihood, your reaction is
what most people would experience and is proportional to the event. Thus, it is an emotion, not an emotional sensation. These kinds of emotions should not be avoided; rather, you should experience and constructively deal with them as they arise.

In contrast, if you were feeling sad because you had the thought that no one cared about you and that you were unlovable—despite evidence to the contrary, such as having good connections with a variety of loving family and friends— then your sadness would be based on a deceptive brain message. We would consider this an emotional sensation (not an emotion) that could lead you to act in a way that is not helpful to you, such as isolating from people who really do care about you, using food or substances as an escape, or engaging in another unhealthy behavior.


Throughout the book, we will use the term emotional sensation to refer to feelings that are caused by deceptive brain messages. These are the sensations we want you to focus on as you use the Four Steps because they are the ones that you need to learn how to dismiss and see as being caused by deceptive brain
messages. Ultimately, they are not true and are leading you to act in ways that are not helpful or constructive.
We will continue to discuss the difference between emotions and emotional sensations caused by deceptive brain messages and help you learn how to differentiate them. For now, keep the following distinction in mind: Emotions should be felt and constructively dealt with because they honor your true needs and your true self, whereas emotional sensations should be Relabeled and Reframed with the Four Steps because they are destructive and false, and cause you to act in ways that are not healthy or beneficial to you.

Although it is natural to want to avoid distress, seek out pleasure, or feel relief, the problem with satiating these cravings or quelling that upset is that your brain then becomes hardwired to automatically choose unhealthy behaviors to calm you down. In essence, indulging these habitual responses causes your body and brain to begin to associate something you do, avoid, seek out, or repetitively think about with temporary relief or pleasure. These actions create strong and enduring patterns (circuits) in your brain that are difficult to change without considerable effort and attention.

As this process unfolds, the deceptive brain messages occur more frequently and the uncomfortable sensations grow more intense, making it harder for you to resist them or change your behaviors.

Therefore, whenever you repeatedly do something pleasurable or avoid some kind of overtly painful sensation, your brain “learns” that these actions are a priority and generates thoughts, impulses, urges, and desires to make sure you keep doing them again and again. It does not care that the action ultimately is bad for you.

As you will learn throughout the book, what you do now and how you focus your attention influence your brain and how it is wired. This means that if you repeat the same act over and over—regardless of whether that action has a positive or negative impact on you—you make the brain circuits associated with that act stronger and more powerful. So, if you avoid something that causes you anxiety (like Ed), hide from people who love you when you are depressed (like Sarah), continually worry about others (like Abby), or drink to reduce your stress level (like Steve), your brain is going to strengthen the circuits supporting those actions—meaning that your brain will be far more likely to repeat the behavior or habit automatically whenever a similar situation arises.

You will learn more about why habits are so hard to break and the biology behind deceptive brain messages in chapters 3 and 4. For now, keep in mind the cycle Kara described: The take-home message is that deceptive brain messages lead to uncomfortable sensations (both physical and emotional) that cause you to act in automatic ways that are not beneficial to you.


If you want to submit articles, poems, love stories, love letters, write ups you like to share to us and to the world. Kindly email us at authorsviewpoint@gmail.com We will email you back once it is up on our site with credits and feature you as the author of the month. Continue supporting www.lovelifediaries.blogspot.com Thank You my Loves! ;) 
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WELCOME

Hello Universe!

Welcome to my beautiful distraction.

This is all about my long life escapades and the things I learned from others.

I hope you will like it. And please let me know what you think. I also like to learn more about you and your stories.

Let this site be the connection between me, you and all of us.

xoxo, Loves.

BOYFRIEND CUTE NICKNAMES IDEAS

Isn't it wonderful to have a unique nicknames or pet names for your boyfriend? 

Allow us to share what we think is cute for a boyfriend nicknames.

Mallows
Sweetheart
Cupcake
Honey
Sweetie
Love
Munchkin
Romeo
Prince
Prince Charming
Handsome
Knight
Gummy bear
Patootie
Chubby
Cute
Hunk
Sexy
Yummie
Buching
Chun
Chummy
Babe
Bunny
Dada
Baba
Bebe
Bhe
Kaka
Mahal
Amorie
Amor
Ai
Sayang
Momo


Hats off to the girls for the power of creativity. Each and every one create pet names to their love ones, show them how they appreciate and love them sincerely. 

It is really a great feeling to someone to love and they like the pet name/s you create for them. It may be unique or already known at least it comes from the heart. 

Are this names best for him?
What is your sweeties or cheesiest you named him? 
Share with us. 

Enjoy the rest of the day with your forever love. 



If you want to submit articles, poems, love stories, love letters, write ups you like to share to us and to the world. Kindly email us at authorsviewpoint@gmail.com We will email you back once it is up on our site with credits and feature you as the author of the month. Continue supporting www.lovelifediaries.blogspot.com Thank You my Loves! ;) 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DISCLAIMER:Some of the photos, links, articles are not owned by the site, and/ or not being stored by the site.Comments are views expressed by the readers. www.lovelifediaries.blogspot.com may not be held liable for the views of readers exercising their right of freedom to express.If you think we should remove those aforementioned elements due to copyright infrequent, feel free to tell us, and we will comply.

THE CYCLE OF DECEPTIVE BRAIN MESSAGES

How do deceptive brain messages manifest and what do they cause you to do? To find out, let’s follow the case of Kara, a twenty-five-year-old woman who had been dieting, bingeing, and purging since her teens. If you met Kara today, you would have no idea she held such distorted views of her body as a teen. Confident and vibrant, she seems to have it all. She is successful in her career as an analyst and has a large network of friends. Yet for most of high school and college, she was overwhelmed by deceptive brain messages related to her appearance.

Kara describes the process of how deceptive brain messages impacted her in this way. First, a false, negative thought would strike, telling her she was “no good” and “unlovable” because she was not physically perfect. Although it was not true, Kara would take this missive at face value and accept it as reality. What happened next was excruciating, she says. “I would get an intensely uncomfortable sensation,” she remembers, “a feeling that I could not stand being in my own skin.” She felt “gross” and “disgusted” with herself, both emotionally and physically. The sensations were unbearable and all Kara wanted to do was get away from these feelings as fast as she could. Her distress would rise, reaching a crescendo that she could no longer tolerate. Although she would sometimes try to resist them, the uncomfortable sensations, including strong anxiety and self-loathing, were too strong.


Eventually, she would relent and engage in an unhealthy behavior (e.g., purging, bingeing, dieting excessively). Once she gave in, a sense of calm would wash over her and she would feel all right again. That momentary relief—and that’s all it ever was—was better than nothing. Or so she thought. What Kara learned with experience was that once she completed the behavior, the deceptive brain messages and uncomfortable sensations came back in full force. “No matter what I did, I always ended up right back where I started. Nothing ever worked,” she recalled recently. Her life was consumed by her deceptive brain messages and its mandates of how she should act. “I was wasting my life,” she laments. She lost important time that she could have spent with her family and friends, on her career, or on pursuing activities she truly enjoyed.

Kara felt horrible about engaging in these cycles to try to make the terrible feelings of inadequacy go away. Deep down, she wanted to figure out how to stop the behaviors and not buy into the deceptive brain messages, but she had no idea how to do it. She had tried almost every diet and had been to numerous therapists and nutritionists. Nothing helped. Even worse, Kara eventually realized that the problem was intensifying, not getting better: “The more I paid attention to food and to how I looked, the worse I felt about myself and the stronger those negative thoughts became.” What was happening to Kara when she was immersed in following her deceptive brain messages? She was stuck in an unrelenting pattern where destructive thoughts and impulses led to distress and unhealthy behaviors.

If we simplify the process of what transpired whenever Kara gave in to her deceptive brain messages, we see a cycle unfold in which the negative thoughts or urges were followed by intensely uncomfortable physical or emotional sensations that she desperately wanted to get away from. As a consequence, Kara would engage in some unhealthy or unhelpful behavior to relieve her distress. While they provided a momentary reprieve, these actions ultimately were detrimental to her because her body and brain learned to associate these behaviors with relief (despite the fact that they were causing her harm in the long term).

What Kara described is a universal phenomenon that applies to you and all of your deceptive brain messages, regardless of what initiates them. As shown in figure 1.1, the process begins when a deceptive brain message surfaces and causes you to experience some kind of distress or discomfort. You might experience a physical sensation, like your heart pounding, a pit in your stomach or overwhelming cravings, or an emotional state, such as fear, dread, anxiety, anger, or sadness. No matter what it is, your primary goal at this point is to get rid of that sensation as fast as you can, so you act in an automatic, habitual way.

As you’ve seen from Ed, Sarah, Abby, Steve, and Kara, the harmful strategies used to avoid and escape those uncomfortable sensations vary depending on the content of the deceptive brain messages and the patterns you have developed to attempt to deal with distress. The range of possible responses is endless and includes feeding an addiction, getting into an argument, avoiding a situation, shutting out the world, or endlessly checking something. In many cases, you are not even aware of what you are doing, but somewhere inside you, likely below the level of conscious awareness, you instinctively believe you have to complete the behavior to get rid of the intense and unpleasant feeling you’re experiencing.



If you want to submit articles, poems, love stories, love letters, write ups you like to share to us and to the world. Kindly email us at authorsviewpoint@gmail.com We will email you back once it is up on our site with credits and feature you as the author of the month. Continue supporting www.lovelifediaries.blogspot.com Thank You my Loves! ;) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DISCLAIMER:Some of the photos, links, articles are not owned by the site, and/ or not being stored by the site.Comments are views expressed by the readers. www.lovelifediaries.blogspot.com may not be held liable for the views of readers exercising their right of freedom to express.If you think we should remove those aforementioned elements due to copyright infrequent, feel free to tell us, and we will comply.

BE A WISE ADVOCATE

The aspect of your attentive mind that can see the bigger picture, including your inherent worth, capabilities, and accomplishments.

The Wise Advocate knows what you are thinking, can see the deceptive brain messages for what they are and where they came from, understands how you feel (physically, emotionally), and is aware of how destructive and unhealthy your habitual, automatic responses have been for you.

The Wise Advocate wants the best for you because it loves and cares for you, so it encourages you to value your true self and make decisions in a rational way based on what is in your overall best interest in the long term.

Equally devastating were Steve’s deceptive brain messages that kept him from being able to truly connect with his wife, children, and coworkers. In his case, Steve’s deceiving brain tried to convince him that everyone in his life wanted something from him and that they were not spending time or talking with him because of who he was or because they genuinely cared for him. This false perception caused Steve to become easily annoyed and excessively angry with anyone he perceived was indirectly asking him to do something. Of course, Steve’s deceptive brain messages were clouding his ability to invoke his Wise Advocate to help him see the truth: that the people in his life really liked and respected him because he is smart, funny, caring, and insightful, which draws people to him and his ideas. Contrary to what his deceptive brain messages were saying, the people in his life didn’t want him to do their work or take care of him—they wanted to spend time with and learn from a genuinely interesting and charismatic man.


Sadly, believing in and relying on his deceptive brain messages caused Steve to live in a state of chronic stress. No matter where he looked, he saw needy, helpless people everywhere, which drained his energy and fueled his frustration further. Unfortunately, his response to these unsettling surges of anger and disappointment in others was to avoid people whenever possible and to seek solace and relaxation each night in a few glasses of wine. While drinking definitely helped dissolve the stress, it created worsening problems at home and at work: Steve became ever more emotionally distant from the important people in his life, which made him feel alone and deeply sad. Ed, Sarah, Abby, and Steve are just a few examples of the devastating toll deceptive brain messages can take on people’s lives and how listening to such false messages can lead to depression, anxiety, relationship difficulties, isolation, addictions, unhealthy habits, and more. When they were not able to use their Wise Advocate to look at the bigger picture and did not align their actions with their true self, our patients were stuck in an endless cycle of deceptive brain messages.



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FINDING YOU TRUE SELF

Living according to your true self means seeing yourself for who you really are based on your sincere striving to embody the values and achieve the goals you truly believe in.

It includes approaching yourself, your true emotions and needs, from a loving, caring, nurturing perspective that is consistent with how your loving inner guide (Wise Advocate) sees you.

Sarah’s deceptive brain messages became so overwhelming at times that she would stay in bed and try to shut out the world. She developed physical symptoms, including headaches, body pains, and a complete lack of motivation. It was as if a blanket of sleepiness had descended upon her and coated her entire being. As the depression progressed, Sarah stopped interacting with her family and friends, lost interest in her normal activities, and stopped exercising.


The more her brain churned out these negative messages, the more Sarah believed, as she says, that she was “a loser.” Unable to resist those false thoughts or believe in herself, she fell deeper and deeper into despair until she was convinced that she was utterly worthless and that life was hopeless. Her depression came to inaccurately and inappropriately define her. “This is me,” she thought, “a depressed, negative person who is not worthy of anything.”

Similar to Sarah, Abby also struggled with a tendency to overanalyze. Rather than questioning her self-worth, Abby’s deceptive brain messages caused her to constantly worry about the safety of her friends and family—and then repeatedly doubt whether she should say or do anything. Although she was fully capable of stating her views with clarity and conviction at work, Abby couldn’t ever quite tell the important people in her life what she really thought or how she felt. “I just never know if I am doing the right thing,” Abby said when she was in the thick of her symptoms. “How can I ensure the best for my family without making them feel like I am being overprotective or smothering them? What if someone gets hurt or makes a mistake and I knew it was a bad idea? How could I live with that, knowing that I could have done something to prevent that outcome?” Abby’s “guilt machine” often kicked into high gear when she did state her concerns, views, and opinions. For instance, if she put her foot down and forbade her children to do something, she would
feel that she was disappointing them or depriving them in some way. As she explained, “I don’t like conflict, but I don’t like the results of staying quiet or being passive either.” It was a veritable catch- 22: She could not live with the guilt, yet she felt anxious and scared when she did state her views and beliefs.

At some level, Abby knew she was living an incomplete life by neglecting her true self, yet she saw no way out. Beholden to her deceptive brain messages and paralyzed by indecision, she often felt guilty and anxious. No matter how she tried, she could not pull herself out of her excessive thoughts, alter her assumption that she had to protect everyone, or use her Wise Advocate to help her see the bigger picture.



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YOU ARE NOT YOUR BRAIN

Nothing is more confusing or painful than when your brain takes over your thoughts, attacks your selfworth,
questions your abilities, overpowers you with cravings, or attempts to dictate your actions.

“It’s like the invasion of the brain snatchers,” says Ed, a talented Broadway performer whose career was on hold for years because of his intense stage fright and fears of rejection. Running on autopilot in a most unhelpful way, Ed felt like his “brain just took over,” filling him with self-doubt and anxiety. “It was horrible and humiliating . . . it told me all these things about me that just weren’t true.

That I was no good, a second-class citizen, that I didn’t deserve anything.” What’s worse, those deceptive brain messages about Ed were dead wrong. The truth is that Ed is an accomplished performer who is revered and loved for his wit, ability to engage a crowd, and unshakable confidence on the stage. People are always excited to see him and are moved by his performances, yet his deceiving brain would not let him accept their rave reviews. Rather than believing in his inherently wonderful qualities and impressive skills, Ed’s brain was programmed to ignore his positive attributes and instead focus on what he might have done wrong or how people might perceive his mistakes—in essence, to home in on his minute flaws and imperfections.


Where did these negative beliefs and doubts come from? Although he sees that most of his deceptive brain messages took root in childhood, one specific experience changed everything for him. It all began, he remembers, when he was standing before a famous Broadway producer at age twenty. As he prepared to run the scene, Ed became dazed and paralyzed. “I just left my body,” he says. “It was the most horrifying experience.” The event haunted his dreams and, by the time he was thirty, it began to plague his days. “I was no longer having nightmares about being onstage naked, I was having that feeling more or less whenever I went to an audition. I felt exposed and raw.” Beneath that competent and tranquil fa├žade, Ed was gripped by a fear of rejection and was in turmoil. Taking his deceptive brain messages completely at face value, Ed avoided auditions altogether, believing that his career was over—that his anxiety and fear had won.

DECEPTIVE BRAIN MESSAGES
Any false or inaccurate thought or any unhelpful or distracting impulse, urge, or desire that takes you away from your true goals and intentions in life (i.e., your true self).
Even if you are not dealing with overwhelming anxiety, you may recognize the feeling of being assailed by deceptive brain messages. Consider the case of Sarah, a twenty-nine-year-old public relations specialist who struggled with depression and perfectionism for many years before starting our program.

Like so many of us, she was afraid of not living up to expectations and questioned her abilities often. Even more troubling, Sarah was exquisitely sensitive to others’ comments and actions, which caused her to often over-personalize interactions with friends, family, and coworkers. For example, if she was talking with a friend and he “paused, even for a second,” she says, she would assume that she had said something wrong or upset the other person in some way. She would not be able to step back from her deceptive brain messages and look for an alternate explanation for why her friend responded as he did or realize that it had nothing to do with her. Instead, she would become instantly anxious and replay the seemingly botched interaction over and over in her head, hoping to come to some sort of resolution. Her brain would run in endless loops, asking numerous questions and envisioning various scenarios in a desperate attempt to control her anxiety.

No matter what she did, Sarah couldn’t figure it out or make the terrible feelings of anxiety go away. Inside, she felt like a failure and somehow ended up believing she was the problem. She hoped and pleaded with herself: If only she could figure out what had happened, she could prevent a similar situation in the future and avoid this uncomfortable feeling and the associated negative thoughts. Unfortunately, she never did. Instead, she would get more anxious and continually overanalyze the situation until she was exhausted.

What Sarah didn’t know at the time was that her brain was sending her the destructive message that to receive love, acceptance, and adoration, she had to be perfect and take care of everyone else. In essence, she had to ignore her true self and focus on others, no matter the cost to her.



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THE FOUR STEPS CHANGE YOUR BRAIN WIRING IN HEALTHY WAY

Adaptive Ways

The goal of the Four Steps is to teach you how to sharply focus your attention so that you rewire your
brain in healthy, positive ways. How do we know this happens? We’ve already done the research at
UCLA and proven it in people with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Drawing on our strong belief that the mind can change the brain, we asked people with OCD to
participate in a research study where they either took medication or learned our Four Step approach to dealing with the intrusive, negative messages they were bombarded with on a daily basis. Our team scanned people’s brains before treatment and ten to twelve weeks after they had been following our method or taking medications.1 Much to our delight, we found that the people who used our Four Step method had the same positive changes in their brains as the people who took medications to treat their OCD. These incredible brain changes occurred because of our mind’s ability to change our brains (i.e., how we focus our attention).

THE FOUR STEPS


Step 1: Relabel—Identify your deceptive brain messages and the uncomfortable sensations; call them what they really are.

Step 2: Reframe—Change your perception of the importance of the deceptive brain messages; say why these thoughts, urges, and impulses keep bothering you: They are false brain messages (It’s not ME, it’s just my BRAIN!).

Step 3: Refocus—Direct your attention toward an activity or mental process that is wholesome and productive—even while the false and deceptive urges, thoughts, impulses, and sensations are still present and bothering you.

Step 4: Revalue—Clearly see the thoughts, urges, and impulses for what they are, simply sensations caused by deceptive brain messages that are not true and that have little to no value (they are something to dismiss, not focus on).

With our Four Step method, you will learn how to focus your attention in beneficial ways—just like these people did—so that you can retrain your brain while simultaneously bolstering and empowering your true self.


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SOMEDAY IS HERE AND NOW

I’m So Thirsty

A man who was taking a trip by train booked the top berth in a sleeping car for the night. Just as he was drifting off to sleep, he heard the man in the berth below him begin to moan, “Oh, I’m so thirsty. I’m so thirsty!” After realizing that the other fellow was going to continue complaining and that he would not be
able to sleep, the man sat up, climbed down from his berth, and fetched the traveler in the lower berth a glass of water. Satisfied that he had solved the situation, the man returned to the upper bunk and stretched out once more. Just as he was drifting off to sleep again, he heard the man in the berth below him say,
“Oh, I was so thirsty. I was so thirsty!” If you think that when the thing you are complaining about
gets handled, then you will be happy, you are setting yourself up for a big disappointment. Complaining is a habit. Complaining just energizes the part of you that complains.


The relationship you currently have is the best that is possible for you in this moment. If you are currently single, then the relationship you have with yourself is the best it can possibly be in this moment, and you can only have what you have (Second Principle).

To create a magical relationship, you have to be willing to be yourself now, exactly as you are and exactly as you are not, rather than waiting around for some new, improved version. Trying to improve yourself is a long and arduous road. And perhaps you will eventually improve—incrementally—in certain limited areas and not in others.

When you have the courage to see yourself honestly and do not judge yourself for what you see, then your life will transform and your relationships will transform along with it.

Instantaneous Transformation is like the philosopher’s stone in alchemy that was purported to turn base metals into gold. Instantaneous Transformation takes an ordinary, mundane relationship and turns it into a magical one.



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My Beautiful Distraction