THE DOs AND DON'Ts OF RELATIONSHIP

1. DON’T give in to your urges all the time

When you’re in a new relationship, it can kind of take over your life. You don’t stop thinking about them all the time, and you have those butterflies in your stomach whenever something reminds you of them.

This is great, and a good sign that things are going well for you. It’s a little bit like where you were a kid at Christmas and you got that one toy that was so much better than all your other presents.
You just wanted to play with that toy and that toy only, forgetting you even had any other presents…especially that jumper that was 2 sizes too big that your grandma got you! Well do you also remember how quickly you got bored of that toy because you didn’t play with anything else? Well it’s time to grow up.

You need to pace your relationship as best you can. You might want to see your new partner every minute of the day, and chances are they feel the same. But you can’t do this because it will ruin the fun, excitement and mystery. Those early days when you’re still learning new things about each other won’t last forever, but if they’re over to quickly then things could become stale fast. As bad as it sounds, you don’t want to give too much away too quickly. Now I am all for being 100% honest and open in a relationship, I would advise no other way. But in those very early stages I do believe that keeping some of yourself locked away for later isn’t always a bad idea.


Mystery is attractive, exciting and key to building that passion and desire that a relationship needs. If you ever hear a new partner say something along the lines of “you’re just so mysterious” then you’re doing it right!

2. DO keep spending time with your friends 

 I don’t want to dwell on this because there are so many relationship books that talk for hours about how important it is to spend time with your friends. Yeah, great…but what about when I’m with my partner? What do I do then? The reason it’s important is firstly because like in number 1, you can’t see each other all the time. But secondly it’s because your friends are just as important, and they’ll be the ones who are there for you if things don’t work out…so show them some respect. Time with your friends keeps you social, and keeps your self confidence up. Assuming you have good friends, they’ll give you confidence in all aspects of your life, including romance and therefore improve your
relationship. You also want to make sure your relationship with your friends is good, because there will come a time when they are going to meet your new partner and you want them to be willing to make an effort with your partner. This will make your partner feel more comfortable around your
friends and this will ease any tension that had a potential to arise.

You’ll also want to make sure that when the time comes, you make a lot of effort to be polite and friendly towards your partner’s friends and family. The amount of uncomfortable situations that can come of their friends or family not liking you is unlimited… so be nice!

3. DO make time for me 

Ok so we’ve discussed not seeing each other all the time and making sure you spend time with your
friends, and now I’m telling you to spend time alone too? So do you get to spend ANY time with your new partner?? Well of course, I’m just getting these out of the way now because they are often overlooked. Me time is something that isn’t always talked much about in relationship advice books,
and I believe that this is asking for disaster. You personal time is so important. It’s just as important as time with your new partner and time with your friends. Now some readers might be thinking “well I don’t like being on my own.” This is time to change that. You need to be able to enjoy your own company for others to enjoy it! Time on your own can be when you really find out who you are. I’m
not just talking about spending time at home on your own watching films as to be honest I think that’s much more enjoyable when you’re with a partner or with friends. I’m talking about self improvement and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone.

You could spend your time alone watching TV and sitting in bed, if you choose to and you genuinely enjoy doing that on your own. But I’ve found that when it comes to improving relationships, if a person spends their alone time improving themselves in different areas then they will become a much more loveable and happy person in their relationship.

Ways to improve yourself are endless. If you are studying for anything, then study it and learn all you can about that topic. If you aren’t currently studying for anything then find something you’ve always been interested in and study it.

If you have a hobby that you love, or that you used to love then bring it back into your life and spend time doing it. Improve the skills you already have or learn new skills. Improving yourself and growing as a person improves every area of your life. “Important Lessons for True Happiness: Live
Your Life” gives you activities to do every week to reach your goals and become the person you want to be.

4. Don’t have arguments over text message

This is so important in the modern world. Read further post.

5. Do be yourself

What I mean by this is do stay the way you are as a person. I believe everyone should have strong values and morals, and these can’t change just because you’ve entered a new relationship. If you
don’t have any particular morals and values already, then I strongly suggest you take some time to yourself and work out what you find important in life. Values are the things that you see as the
most important to you. It varies in everyone. Some people value material possessions very highly whereas other people might not see them as being as important as other things.

It doesn’t matter what your values are, it just matters that you know what they are. You need to have a passion, a drive to keep and get all things that align with your values in your life. If you value your family, you need to make sure you are close to them. If you value money, you need to make sure you’re working hard and getting the money that you want. When you’re passionate about your
values you become passionate about getting the things that you want out of life. You get drive, you’ll work hard for things and not only will this improve your life but it will make you a much more attractive person to others and you your relationships will kick off to a great start.

One good way to define your values is to set some goals. There are hundreds of goal setting
techniques out there that are all extremely intelligent so here are my top tips for setting goals that will help you develop a strong drive and maximise your chances of achieving them:

#1 Physically write your goals down, and put them where you can see them

The act of physically writing your goals down does a lot inside of your brain subconsciously that can trigger action a lot quicker than just keeping them inside your head. It re-affirms them and then having them where you can see them means they will be on your mind a lot of the time. Remember; we become what we think.

#2 Get yourself emotionally involved when you write your goals out

For every goal, you need to think why you want it. What has made you decide that this is something you want? If it’s just a small goal, like passing a test, why do you want it? Will it help you in the long run? Will it make people proud? Think about whether achieving this goal would affect other people. If passing a test would make someone close to you proud then that can only add to your
motivation to achieve that goal. If your goal is un-selfish, and you’re just trying to help someone else out then think why you want to help them. What does that person mean to you? What would it mean to them if you achieve this? You really have to get inside of your body and feel that emotion. It will create a huge sense of passion inside you to reach your goals.

#3 Set 3 types of goals: Short Term, Mid Term and Long Term

Your short term goals are things you can do within around 3 months. So things like wanting to be able to run 10 Kilometres by the end the next month, or getting full marks on a test coming up. If you actually make a conscious effort to think about these goals you are so much more likely to not only achieve them but do more than you wanted. Going through life just doing things as they come
around is lazy, and you won’t reach your maximum potential.

Your mid-term goals are things that are going to take a bit longer to achieve. Only you can set the limits on how long you will take to do something, but some things do take more time than others. Mid-term goals are also slightly more permanent or long stretching that short-term. For instance you might want to go travelling. This could mean saving up, then travelling for however long you
choose etc. These goals will probably excite you a bit more than your short term goals, and you should use that excitement to boost your passion towards the goals. (Don’t worry, this does relate to entering a new relationship)

Your long-term goals are your life long dreams. You could say they are a mix between your bucket list and what you want to end up with in life. You should have a view of what you want out of life in the long run, and what you want to end up with. The idea is that your short-term goals and your midterm goals will generally be connected to you long-term goals. They may not do, some goals can be purely for personal satisfaction and won’t have anything to do with the longterm of your life. But usually people are driven by the end goal that is in the back of their mind. You should always be striving to achieve your goals, whether they’re big or small.

#4 Write them again as if you’ve achieved them

Now that you’ve written your goals out, you need to re-write them again. But when you re-write them, change them to being in the perspective that you have actually achieved them. So for example; “I want to get that expensive care before I’m 30” will be changed into “I have the expensive car I always wanted.” Although, be specific of course in your own goals. Be as specific as you can actually, but try to keep your goals to one sentence.

I have a co-authored with Jag Chohan called “Successful Goal Setting: Guarantee Yourself
Success.” I strongly recommend looking at this if you have never set yourself goals before,
or you simply want to achieve more in life.

Ok so where does this fit in to entering a new relationship. Well, it actually ties a lot of the dos and don’ts up. If you have your goals set and you’re passionate about them, then you will have your values. You will be a more routed person so you won’t change yourself.

You will be far more attractive (usually) to others because going for what you want in life is actually quite uncommon as most people unconsciously fear achieving success. And finally, these goals will start to take fruit with-in a relationship and will help the relationship to move forward and become stronger. If the goals end up getting in the way of the relationship, well then that’s a decision you need to make. Remember what we said about values? You need to know what’s more important to you, your personal goals or your relationship.

A side note for males: Studies have found that part of the excitement for women in new relationships is trying to get their man to be how they want them to be in certain ways. They love the challenge of changing a guy and it excites them. Now, are you just going to give in and let all the excitement
slip out of the window? Or are you going to carry on being yourself and let your girl keep trying?

Now morals are different to values, and you will usually have developed these as you grew up and believe it or not they are quite hard to change. As far as relationships are concerned, morals include your views on lying, cheating and manipulating. If you don’t think these things are morally right and you would be hurt if someone did this to you, then don’t be a hypocrite and makes sure you play by the same rules. This also applies if you do think it’s ok to do these things, don’t expect anyone to feel sorry for you if it ends up happening to you too. So I’d say before you carry on, it’s time to make sure you’ve got your values and morals in place, wouldn’t you? And remember “People aren’t unsuccessful because they aim too high and miss, it’s because they aim too low and hit.”


6. Don’t talk about your ex

Ok if you’re mature then you will accept that it is almost impossible not to compare a new partner to an old one, especially if there hasn’t been much time between the 2 (not recommended!!). Thoughts will often creep up on us about how our new partner does something differently to our old partner, and this is completely normal and I’m sure your new partner does this too. But it’s how you see these
thoughts, and whether you actually say them out loud that makes a difference.

Now a quick step back to the first “date” for anyone who is completely new to “dating.” You should absolutely 100% NOT talk about your ex partner on your first date. Nope, shh, stop….don’t do it! You are there to get to know each other, not someone you’re not even with anymore. If you want to talk about your ex so much that you can’t help it, then I don’t think you’re quite ready to be dating
just yet. Some would argue that if the topic was to come up, or even if the person on the date was to ask you about your ex that this means it’s ok to talk about them. Well personally, I would say….NO! Just don’t do it. Change the subject, make a joke out of it and say “I’m not here to talk about my ex, I want to talk about you.” Let’s face it, if the conversation is getting so desperate that your date asks you about your ex, it’s probably not going to work out. OK back to entering a new relationship. Talking about your ex all the time is probably going to make your new partner insecure.

Imagine if they were saying how often they used to go to this place together, or how much they loved it when their ex did this. You’re not going to want to go where ever that was and you’re not going to want to do whatever it was they did. So when you can, just don’t talk about it. This is where I would
differ from the date situation though. Sometimes people have their own insecurities and when it’s your partner it’s your duty to help them feel more secure if the opportunity comes along. Sometimes these insecurities will present themselves in the form of asking questions about your ex’s. This is often because they feel like maybe they’re not good enough compared to your ex, or that you don’t love/like them as much as you did your ex. Well it’s important here that you do talk about your ex, but in the right way. You need to be considerate of your new partner. In no way should you lie, at all. But if you are fully over your ex partner then you should be able to talk about them and play things down without feeling bad about it. And remember, you most certainly should be fully over your
ex partner if you’re entering a new relationship. If your new partner asks about something you and your ex used to do and it just so happens that yes you did absolutely love doing that together, it doesn’t mean you have to tell them that. Just play it down, casually say “yeah it was fun; that was a long time ago” or something along those lines.

Don’t get too attached to the conversation because let’s face it, you shouldn’t be.

7. Do let them know your boundaries

Let me get this out in the open straight away, this includes in the bedroom as well as in your general relationship. I’ll talk about general things first and then get to the naughty stuff…
So everyone has their own boundaries, their limits as to what takes them from being comfortable
to uncomfortable. And it’s important in a relationship to express this right from the start.
Public displays of affection: This varies from person to person and couple to couple but it’s very important that you get this kind of thing out of the way before you find yourself in a very embarrassing situation. Not being open about this could land you in two opposite ends of an embarrassing situation. On one hand, you could find your new partner to be extremely comfortable with public displays of affection and you quite simply are not. So you’ll get embarrassed when they
start playing tonsil tennis with you in-front of everyone eating in the same pizza place as you and you have to ruin the mood by pushing them away. Switching to the other hand, you couldn’t care less about wrapping your arms around your new partner in-front of everyone but it turns out they hate it and push you away. You’re going to feel pretty foolish after that. So just talk about it. Downright ask them whether they are comfortable with or, tell them if you’re not. This will save any embarrassment and awkward moments that could completely ruin the mood in your relationship.

On a quick side note, it’s possible that if one partner doesn’t like public displays of affection
that the other will think this is because they don’t want to be seen with them. That’s why getting this out of the way before it actually happens could prevent a serious argument.


8. Do focus on the positive things

This doesn’t just mean in your relationship, this means for your entire life too. Just like life,
things that happen in relationships can often get you down and it’s hard to stay positive about where things are going to end up. But just because you have one little argument about something stupid, doesn’t mean you should be considering calling the whole thing off and starting again. Arguments happen and you need to deal with that. What makes the relationship work is how these arguments
actually affect you both. If you can accept them as arguments and get through them, then you could be on your way to something really special. But if you hold the arguments close to your heart and keep the emotions inside you then things could turn ugly. One good way to put arguments into
perspective and getting through them is to just think about the positive things that the relationship has brought you so far. Think about the fun times you’ve had together, or even the fun times you’re planning to have together. Think about how much they make you smile and laugh and how much happier you’ve been since you entered this new relationship with that person. If you can’t think
about these things, then maybe it’s time to think about whether you should’ve started this relationship in the first place.

Being happy in general is a great way to stay happy in a relationship. Happiness is infectious
and if you’re happy, your partner will feel happy too. A great book by Jenna Louise share some amazing tips on happiness and a groundbreaking exercise called “The Happy Jar.”

9. Don’t try to fix your partner 

As I mentioned before, it’s pretty tough finding someone that is genuinely your ideal partner.
Finding a perfect relationship is even harder. That why it’s important to accept that there might be a few things about your new partner that you don’t like, or could at least live without. You can’t keep trying to change the way they are, how they dress or even their accent. That is them and you were the one who entered in this relationship so you need to accept this. Now for females, it could be exciting for you to try and change your man and dress him the way you want. This is healthy and it can be quite fun and playful, but don’t take it too far. If you didn’t like his style at all then why would you have entered the relationship with him in the first place?

You could seriously annoy him if all you’re trying to do is change him, he’ll start to wonder if you even like him at all. Keep it fun, but don’t overdo it. There is the chance that you find something
out about your partner that you genuinely can’t put up with. If this is the case you need to act fast. Tell them what it is and why you don’t like it, and see if they would be willing to stop or change it. If not then you need to decide whether you can stay with them. It’s important when telling them to be calm and non-judgemental. Don’t put them down for the thing that you don’t like. Just simply explain
that you understand that this is something they do or wear or whatever it may be and that you don’t like it. This also works the other way around; you need to let your partner know that they can be completely open and honest about things they might not like about you, so long as they aren’t mean about it. That way you can talk about it and see if there’s anything you can do to get through it.

10. Don’t say anything stupid 

This right here is one of the most common causes of unhappy relationships, but it’s also one of
the toughest things to stop yourself from doing if you’re in the heat of the moment. Now although this can happen, I’m not talking about saying things like “will you marry me?” and “I love you” when it’s too soon. This will obviously test a new relationship, but if things are going well anyway then this shouldn’t be a problem and should be something the two of you can laugh about.

What I’m actually talking about is saying hurtful nasty comments when in a heated argument
that you’ll regret later. This is so common and I’m sure most of you reading this will have done this at some point in your life in one way or another. It’s so important to stay as calm and logical as you can during an argument. When emotions take over there’s almost no stopping us humans from saying things we don’t necessarily mean, and this can be the cause of separation or unhappy relationships. Early on in a relationship, saying something hurtful or nasty in the heat of the moment can be a lot
worse than saying it in a long standing happy relationship. Your partner could just walk away in the blink of an eye and you might not see them again. Or, because you’re still new to each other, your partner may not express their feelings and this could manifest itself in the relationship for a long time. It’s pretty well known that holding emotions down for long periods of time can lead to huge outbursts of stress or rage and this can really lead to an unhappy relationship. Try your best to use some of the techniques I’ve already explained in the book like thinking positive or not arguing over text, to keep
things in perspective and control your emotions. One argument shouldn’t be enough to ruin a relationship, but if you let your emotions get the better of your words then you could see yourself starting from scratch again or in a long, unhappy relationship.

11. Do be honest 

I don’t think I really need to say much here. I’ve already said this a thousand times. I just can’t stress the importance of being honest in relationships.

Not just in new relationships but in all relationships. The good thing about reading this book though is that you will hopefully be able to start a relationship completely truthfully and you will be stress free as far as your relationship is concerned. You should always start as you mean to go on. You might have met this person and entered a new relationship with them but never really thought this
was the one. You were just enjoying it so you let things flow the way they were flowing.

That’s fair enough and happens a lot. But if you choose to let this be your reason for lying, or cheating then you could be shooting yourself in the foot from the word go. This relationship that you don’t see as being the one you want for the rest of your life could soon change. You could realise how much you love this person and just how great they are. Then what are you going to do? Carry on
the relationship for the rest of your life after having started it by lying or cheating…or both? The best thing in any relationship is to just be open, honest and faithful. You’ll never be able to take those actions back and they could haunt you for the rest of your life.

A side note to anyone reading who has in fact entered a relationship and already lied or cheated but wants to put it right. Well firstly, there will be no putting it right. You’ve done what you did and you can’t blame anyone but yourself. The only thing you can do if you want to stay in this relationship
and not have everything hanging over your head all of the time is come clean ASAP. You’re going to have to come clean as soon as you can and accept that whatever happens is always going to be your fault. Your partner may leave you, and that is understandable…would you stay with them? Or your partner could choose to stay with you. This can work out if they can genuinely forgive you and move on, but it can also cause problems if they can’t really move on from it. Would you want to risk it?


12. Do request, but don’t demand

New relationships are fun and the beginning stages are a great way to set the scene for the rest of
your time together. You can take advantage of this early stage in the relationship by once again, being open and honest, and telling your partner the things you like in relationships from a partner and things you don’t like. But you need to be very careful about the way you phrase such things. You can’t be demanding and word it in ways that will make your partner feel like if they don’t do what you say then you will leave them. That’s blackmail and even if you get what you want temporarily, it won’t last. You need to tell them with an open mind, with a tone that suggests you don’t mind either way what happens but you just thought you’d let them know in case they agree or would want to do
things like that for you. If there are deal breakers for you that mean you would be really unhappy if your partner didn’t do certain things for you or with you then you need to get this out in the open quickly so that you can separate if they wouldn’t be happy doing those things. You should also be listening carefully to what your partner might be saying in conversation. When they tell you stories,
it might be that they really enjoy what they’re talking about and this is something they’d like to do with you. If you’d like to do that with them then you should suggest it, this could put you so high up in their goodbooks that you’ll be living happily ever after.

But if there’s something that you feel they really want to do that you don’t like the sound of then you need to tell them so they know. If they find out further down the line, you could both end up getting more hurt than you needed to.

A quick side note: This definitely applies in the bedroom too. There may be things you or your partner want to try or have tried before that the other isn’t comfortable with.

You can’t demand they do this, but you can request and if they like the sound of it then that’s great. If not then you shouldn’t ever pressure them into doing anything, if you’re looking for someone who enjoys different things in the bedroom and you can’t do without those things then you need to stop
the relationship before you’re tempted to look elsewhere.



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