THE FOUR PILLARS OF COUPLEHOOD

SURVIVING AND RECOUPING

I described a kind of spiritual fall that can happen when a relationship fails. The soul can falter and retreat, and hardly know it has done so. But there’s a more external fall that is also possible, and sometimes we don’t defend ourselves properly against it. A person’s whole darn lifestyle can be threatened.
So a warning needs to be sounded. It says: a storm is coming, there is danger, so grab the supplies you need, put up the plywood and get inside. Don’t trifle with this thing; don’t do anything reckless or careless.

Your first duty is to survive.
When love comes tumbling down, that perfect storm can sweep a lot of assets away. I talked about some of the emotional benefits coupling confers on a human being, which are lost when love goes belly-up. They were not the whole story. When a solid relationship comes apart, you can lose a whole truckload (or U-Haul
load) of valuable stuff—some material things and some less so—and this situation needs to be dealt with.
There’s a good-news side though: what you lose is relative to how much you had. If before the breakup, the relationship was pretty 96 better love next time lousy and it was obvious to you that its assets had slipped in value, then you won’t have lost as much.1 But if the relationship was still good or seemed good to you, that’s a different story.


I’m going to list some advantages that a truly healthy couple has. You can look at this list in several ways, depending on your situation. If you had these advantages—if things were going that well before
the breakup—then this will be about how to minimize and repair their loss. If, however, you were in the situation I mentioned a moment ago, and a lot of these benefits were missing from your relationship,
you can take heart from the fact that you didn’t lose as much, and more important, you can take this inventory as a yardstick to employ when next you embark on love. As you’re getting to know the new relationship, check to see that these good things are in the offing.

Imagine a cliff house, built on four pillars. The Four Pillars of Couplehood. As a member of a couple, you get to live on a higher level, with the cruel sea crashing far below, distant enough to be picturesque. What are these four things that support your platform?
1. Financial advantages: two earners in the household
2. Teamwork, where the duo can solve problems and make plans better than either could alone
3. Recognition and support: the feeling that you matter to someone, and the feeling that someone has your back
4. Physical health; lack of loneliness; mental health.

Let’s talk about these things, and then we’ll see what can be done about their loss.

THE FOUR PILLARS OF COUPLEHOOD

1. financial advantages
What’s the big advantage of a two-earner household? Couldn’t it be argued that whichever partner makes more money, will actually lose on the deal? If Samantha makes sixty grand a year and Sam makes forty, then
the income per person of their union is $50,000, which is a drop of $10,000 for Samantha. One loses and the other gains. Sounds like a wash at best. Then why, for decades, have studies said that married people are better off financially?

Some answers that have been offered:
• They earn more; that is, spouses each bring home more bacon than they would if they’d stayed single. This was supposed to be because people had more time for their careers and put more into them. Recent studies have disputed this, pointing out that women often cut back on their jobs and earn less, especially when
children arrive, and men’s increases are not that big.
• They plan and save better. This seems to be a fact, and a very important one. Because married couples believe in the long term, they plan for it. They have the incentive of the team: they are willing to make sacrifices, to budget, to save and invest for the future and for their kids’ futures. To put it another way, people grow up and watch their pennies.
• They can live for less, thanks to what are called “economies of scale”. This may be the heart of the matter. One house may not cost any more per month than two apartments—more likely less.
Two people (and their kind relatives) are more likely to be able to swing that down payment, and thereby ascend to the next plateau. With both of them commuting to work every day they may not see much of that dream house, but it’s still a house. The thing is, it only takes one kitchen, for the lucky couple who
don’t mind being jostled now and then while making toast. One living room, one dining room. Two people don’t need twice as many rooms as one. Two people don’t need twice as much food, or electricity, or a lot of other necessities—so what is called their “needs-adjusted income” is now higher than before.

What about couples who cohabit (live together unmarried)?
These flouters of tradition were once thought to be at a disadvantage as compared to folks in wedded bliss, but recent studies have called this into question, especially as regards how much they earn. Apparently cohabiters and married couples both do better than single people.

The bottom line here is that the dissolution of a couple can spell real financial hardship, an abrupt slip to a lower ledge on the cliff side. And the partner who gained the most in the union (usually the lower wage-earner) may lose the most in the fall.

2. teamwork
This word means much more than cold finances might suggest. In a thousand ways, big and small, two people working together can avoid calamities and bring about better results. Their combined talents
can handle a lot more challenges than either could alone. One person trying to change an outdoor floodlight might end up with a cracked skull; two people doing it are more likely to brace the ladder properly. They’re also more likely to nag each other into replacing the bulb in the first place, which then prevents their visiting dancer friend from breaking her leg on the bottom step and bringing a massive lawsuit.

Not to mention land subsidence. With two people you’ve got a better chance that one partner will notice the hole appearing next to the front porch, and the other will figure out that it’s being caused by rain spouting off the awning, and one of the two will know how to take the damn thing down, thus avoiding a flood in the basement that could wreck the carpet and the entertainment center.

Before this turns into a commercial for Home Depot, let me say that two people can figure out how to do the taxes and plan a lavish meal for ten and launch a new business and handle an aging parent and buy the right car and get the brakes fixed before it’s too late.

3. recognition and support
We lose a lot of the spotlight when we take the big demotion into adulthood. Our society tries very hard to create the sense in a child that she is special and that every highlight of her life is worth attending and camcording.

But never fear: we do eventually find our way to that place of nonrecognition; it awaits us in adulthood. Those of us not lucky enough to be big cheeses at our jobs find ourselves in the day, not so important
anymore, occasionally winning praise or censure, but much of the time not arousing any notable emotion in our co-workers. Then we drive home in an empty vehicle, and in the evening we watch famous people on TV. It is possible to live a life of impressive invisibility.

Being part of a couple allays that. Someone notices little things like whether you get home, what you eat, how you sleep, how you smell, whether you are sick, whether you are okay. (We’re transitioning into support now.) Your presence is an expected part of their day; the morning just wouldn’t be the same without you.

Your attendance is called for.
You’re back on the marquee of life.

Someone wants to know where you are. If something goes wrong, you are likely to be found. If you throw your lower back into spasm while picking up a sock and can’t get off your bed for five days, someone
will be there to bring you food and an empty bucket, and meds. In that case, they literally have your back.

Someone knows if you get a promotion. They may even know if it’s your birthday.
Someone thinks you are good looking today.
Someone wants to kiss you.
Someone is there to vent to. What fun.

Recognition has a downside too. Except it turns out to be mostly an upside. There are things you might drift into, if you were living alone (or at least I might). But somehow, you just can’t do them while another person is monitoring you, even if that person is not especially nosy or critical or interfering. It’s harder to watch TV when there’s nothing on, harder to eat the corn chips and pesto you really crave late at night, harder to lie around doing nothing on a Saturday afternoon. Harder to drink Jack Daniels just because you’re bored. It’s also harder to be bored. It’s harder to let dirty dishes pile up, harder to avoid the minor challenge of preparing nutritious meals.

Being seen: what an imposition!
And support: what a burden. If you are living with somebody else, then you spend a lot of your time caring about somebody else. Wanting them to do well, wanting to make sure nothing happens to them, worrying that they may be struggling or having trouble— wanting to make sure they don’t get defeated. When the other person is thriving, you take joy in that.
Oddly enough, caring about somebody else is good for your health. It’s the best thing for us humans. Nurturing makes us feel . . . nurtured. It lightens the unbearable burden of “I”. (Okay, we all need to be self-absorbed some of the time, and creative types claim it’s most of the time, but even artists can be saved from insanity by having to worry about somebody else.)

The reason couples live longer is that people who are caring for somebody else live longer.
The extreme form of that involves children. The closest many of us ever get to being truly unselfish is when we find that we are somebody’s parent. We will give to our children what we would otherwise never give. What we receive from them, not in return but simply because they can’t help it, is of course worth much more: they put a stop to the strange amnesia that afflicts grown-ups, who should maybe be called “grown-downs” when you consider that we have forgotten most of what is thrilling and giddy and hilarious and
astounding about life—we have forgotten how to be young.

4. physical health; lack of loneliness; mental health
These things are not always easy to separate. “You look pale,” your partner says. “Oh, you’re clammy.”
And you say, oh god, I am. I think I got a chill. Or I caught a bug. “Maybe it was when you were on the plane.” Yeah, that must have been it. “You better get under the blanket. I’ll make you some tea.”
Even more important than helping someone with their symptoms, is helping them figure out what ordinary, familiar, unscary thing must have caused them, and helping them decide that this exact same thing has happened before and it was alright last time.

That alleviates the stress and fear, which then forces the illness to wage a solitary battle, minus its two favorite allies. Speaking of mental health, it isn’t easy trying to aid someone who is suffering from depression or anxiety—or garden-variety sadness or disappointment. But it’s a job easier done by one person than
by no one. Sometimes you have to leave a person alone; you can’t comfort them, you can’t coach them. Sometimes they need your immediate intervention, they need to be held up so they won’t slump to
the floor, need to be told that this isn’t the end of the world and they can’t let some alleged friend incapacitate them. So-called illness can turn out to be something more mundane.
Insomnia can be the latest disguise of a rascal called “Late Night Snacking”; restless leg syndrome can be an alias of “Doesn’t Go for Walks Enough.” And depression—it may be a cloak worn by loneliness. Years can go by during which a person doesn’t get a whole lot done, because he is too depressed to try. Making an effort requires a little optimism, and he doesn’t have any. That could be because he is alone. Some people do fine on their own. Some don’t. Especially people who have known what it was not to be alone, and liked it.

We don’t always notice it, but when we are part of a couple, we correct each other in a multitude of tiny ways. I don’t mean “correct” as in correcting someone’s grammar. I mean moving the rudder slightly so that the boat stays on course. When someone has tried their best to express something but didn’t quite nail it, there are various ways that you can help them hit their target. One is to nod, signifying that you understand. That may make them smile and say it better. Another is to paraphrase it for them. So, by quiet or eloquent
listening, you help them vent a truth, and sometimes that is the difference between life sinking and life sailing on.

Listening is just one of many ways in which we gently lead our partners towards mental health, and away from discouragement, isolation, and dysfunction. But I bring it up and dwell on it here, because it is among the most priceless and neglected gifts two people can bestow on each other. Waiting quietly and with attention for someone to complete their thought may be the most endangered conversational activity. It isn’t easy; in fact it’s way too hard for a lot of us. Today’s programming is rapid-cut, zing and move on. Our brains are addicted to interruption. But to listen is to nurture.




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