RECOGNIZING HIDDEN AGENDAS

There are agendas that people are aware of, and then there are those of which they are unaware. It is the latter that cause problems in our ability to relate.

We are going to identify some of the typical hidden agendas that we have seen in the course of working
with individuals who are looking for a mate, as well as with couples who are looking at the mechanics of their relationship. It has been our experience that when people become aware of what they have been doing mechanically and don’t judge what they see, they have a choice to continue their actions or not.
Again, awareness allows for freedom from the domination of old behaviors. The simple recognition of unaware patterns, if not resisted but seen for what they are, will free you from the mechanical restraints of these previously unrecognized hidden agendas.

Before we look at the types of agendas that can interfere with a person’s ability to relate, let’s examine the mechanics of these strategies for living.

HOW AGENDAS WORK


As we discussed earlier, people can only see what they already know. What they have no knowledge of does not exist. Minds act very much like computer programs. They function by comparing new data to information that is already in the system. Therefore, anything that occurs outside of the program is not
recognizable. Back in the late ’80s, when the two of us bought our first computer, we also set up our first database to keep track of the names, addresses, and phone numbers of  people who wanted to be on our mailing list. The particular program we purchased would translate any data entered into a preset form. For
instance, we could type in “ariel & shya kane,” and our program would automatically convert it so that the fi rst letter of each word would be capitalized to read “Ariel & Shya Kane.”

The problem was that this formula, while mostly accurate, didn’t always work. There were times when an individual’s last name was not capitalized, such as the name “den Ouden.” Zip codes longer than five digits couldn’t be entered, and foreign zip codes that included letters were rejected also. Because this was an early database program and was less sophisticated than the ones we have today, there was no way to override the
automatic preset fi elds. Obviously, the people who wrote this program could not conceive of all the uses for their creation. They were limited by what they knew to be possible and by what they had thought to create. So the program did not take into account that users might have European clients, that not all names are capitalized, and that, in the future, zip codes would have more than five numbers.

Agendas act like those automatic fi elds. They were preset when we, as individuals, were much less sophisticated, and they run without the benefit of what we have learned since their inception. Bringing awareness to your automatic programs acts like a complimentary software upgrade. It allows you to keep
what works and modify what doesn’t. This leads to appropriate behavior rather than having to repeatedly make mistakes that you are powerless to correct.


CREATING A CONTEXT IN WHICH TO SEE NEW POSSIBILITIES

If you are not aware that something exists, including an agenda, it may still exist in reality, but in your experience it does not. For example, in 1992, the two of us were in Hawaii with Max, Shya’s eight-five-year-old father. We stayed at an oceanfront condominium. From our vantage point, we could see migrating
humpback whales spouting and jumping out of the water, but Max could not. Then we took him out on a whale-watching trip where these enormous creatures came close to the boat. When we went back to the condo, he looked out at the ocean, and suddenly he could see the whales. Now he knew what to look for. We had pointed them out before the boat ride, but he could not see them.

There has to be a context created in which to see. People look through what they already know and, not unlike our early database program, reject what isn’t in their preset field of knowledge. So if they don’t realize there is a whole other paradigm, a whole other reality, a whole other context in which to operate, for them it does not exist. You might think, What is wrong with that? The answer is nothing. However, what you know limits what is possible for you. There is a saying—“If you can dream it, you can have it.” But if you don’t know of the existence of something, you can’t even dream it. Ask yourself, What if there are things I don’t know that could radically alter the quality of my relationships?

Some of the limitations in your capacity for having an exciting, vital relationship are your unaware agendas or goals. (Webster’s primary defi nition of agenda is “a program of things to be done.”) On one hand, agendas and goals are very useful. They allow us to focus on those things that need to be completed. They allow us to steer a course to a destination. They keep us on track so that we don’t get distracted, and they allow us to see if we have achieved what we set out to accomplish.

But agendas can also limit what we can see, fettering our interactions with others and with our environment. They do this because we are driven toward the completion of that goal and we become blinded, as Roger did, in our attempt to get what we think we want or need.
Take, for example, a couple who are expressing their particular points of view about how to raise their children. One would assume that, since these people are working to have the best for their family, they would be working as a team to discover what is best for their kids. However, each comes in with a set agenda about what might be best for their children, an agenda more than likely imposed by their own upbringing.
The atmosphere is often competitive and adversarial. The outcome of the conversation oftentimes is defined by whose agenda “won” and whose “lost.” In addition, if each individual’s underlying hidden agendas are to not appear stupid or not let a man/woman tell him or her what to do, then the playing field is littered with hazards to a well-balanced resolution. It is as if each person’s hidden agenda dictates the outcome. Rarely is it harmonious.

Another type of hidden agenda is when one or the other of the participants in a relationship feels that he or she must have an “equal” say or wants to control the way the relationship functions. So he or she keeps score. For instance, a woman might complain to herself, Last time we went out, he decided which movie we were going to, so tonight we’d better see the movie I want or else! Now, she may not be aware that she keeps score. The agenda to be in control and have the final say keeps score. She just feels that now it is her turn to say which movie they are going to see.

We have a friend who always resented that her parents seemed to favor her brothers. She grew up feeling certain that men got special treatment and was out to prove not only her equality but also her superiority. She told us that when she chose men to date, she had the agenda to pick those who were “less educationally pedigreed,” and her whole approach was adversarial. If her partner seemed more intelligent than she, she
would express her insecurities by picking a fi ght. Her whole strategy for a successful relationship, prior to bringing awareness to her way of relating, was to intimidate and dominate. It didn’t allow for much in the way of intimacy. Her life choices were controlled by her unaware resistance to how her parents related to the boys versus the girls in her family.

When you are operating through an unaware agenda, you do not listen to what is being said. When you have an idea or a plan about the way something is supposed to go, you only see the relevance of what is being said as it applies to your agenda. True listening is a function of intentionally re-creating the point of view of another. If you are operating through an agenda, you cannot possibly see another’s point of view. You
can only see it in relationship, in agreement or disagreement, to your preferences.


FALSE HOPE
Agendas often blind you to the truth of a situation because, as it was with Roger’s 6 percent, you have a strong preference for life to show up the way you want it. Here is an example: Julie’s husband told her, “I need to get my own place for a while. It is not personal to you or the kids, but I need to be alone and think
about my life. I love you and don’t want to be with anyone else; it’s not about that. I just need some breathing room.” Although this was very difficult for Julie, she supported him in his move. This is not to say that fights did not erupt, but all things considered, it went smoothly. The couple kept things relatively friendly at first and continued to be sexually intimate. It was hard for Julie to see him get a lease for his new place and furnish it, complete with rooms for their children to spend the night. But through it all, he insisted that it wasn’t necessarily permanent. “Just give me time,” he would say. “If you’re upset all the time, you’ll turn the kids against me.”

Julie waged a battle within herself to stay centered. In her heart, she loved him and dreamed that things would return to the way they had been—as she remembered them—in the early days of their relationship. And the sex was all the more intense because it wasn’t so frequent, and she really wanted to be with him when she could.

Each time Julie went for an interlude at her estranged husband’s house, it was more and more like a home. First the carpets, then the curtains, then the small touches that he had not wanted to be a part of when they had created a home together. One day, while in his bathroom, Julie noticed condoms in his medicine cabinet. She confronted him. “Why do you have condoms? We certainly don’t need them!” Julie knew full well that her husband had had a vasectomy after the birth of their second child.

“It is not my intention to have sex with anyone else. I have condoms in case something were to happen. You know how important it is to have safe sex in this day and age. I honestly don’t plan to be with anyone else. Why can’t you believe me?” Even after Julie overheard a telephone conversation her husband was having with his assistant, where she caught him telling this woman that he loved her, Julie actually still defended his actions to her friends and swore he was coming back to her.

Things devolved from there, but Julie still did not want to see the truth. She really wanted to believe that he was sincere. Another way to describe Julie’s agenda to have her husband back is false hope. She desperately hoped that he would come home, and this acted like a powerful drug, dulling her senses to
the reality of the situation.

Haven’t you from time to time made choices where, in retrospect, you said to yourself, What was I thinking? P. T. Barnum once said, “You can’t fool an honest man.” Well, you can’t fool an honest woman either. Julie’s unexamined hidden agenda to have her husband come home no matter what kept her from
being honest with herself.

PROVING YOUR INDEPENDENCE

Drew is a handsome entrepreneur who is dating and looking for a relationship. But as a young child, he defined himself by being “independent.” If his mother, father, or friends made a suggestion or request, he routinely did the opposite. In some ways, this behavior may actually have helped strengthen his stamina to get things done. Drew often surprised his family and friends by persevering in the face of terrible odds, but it
never occurred to him that many of the challenges he faced were of his own making.

One Friday evening, Drew had a date with a lovely lady in whom he was very interested. He was supposed to leave at seven to pick her up for dinner and a movie. But he didn’t begin to get ready until 6:30, which was not enough time to shower, shave, get dressed, and get to her house on time. It wasn’t as if he’d been busy all day. Instead, he had goofed around, whittling away the hours until he was so pressed that he could make it on time only if there were absolutely no unexpected events, such as a phone call he needed to handle or traffic on the way.

Unbeknownst to himself, Drew is so locked into his agenda of proving his independence and not wanting to be told what to do that he didn’t even want to be told what to do by himself. This dynamic is commonly labeled procrastination. He set up the date but then resisted the time constraint because anything that tells him where to go and what to do—even his own schedule—is an anathema.

How many times do we, as individuals, operate like Drew? We want to have a magical relationship, and yet, mystifyingly, our actions seem to be directly opposed to what we say we want.

Let’s tease the Drew scenario out a little further. It is now 6:45 and Drew is rushing to leave. He dumps his clothes in a heap, showers, hastily shaves, and rifles through his closet in search of the perfect outfit, discarding this and that until he finds something to wear. Now, leaving a trail of destruction behind him, he rushes back into the bathroom, combs his hair, and automatically reaches for his cologne, spraying it liberally.
Drew freezes midspritz. He has just remembered that the woman he is going to meet has a severe allergy to scents of any kind. He now is pressured by the time and has to make a decision. Oh, well, he thinks, it will probably wear off by the time I get there. I can’t be late, and he rushes out the door. Poor Drew. His date is now a recipe for disaster. He really, truly likes this woman. He also cares about her, but his unwillingness
to be told what to do, which he is unaware of, takes precedence over his adult aim of having a satisfying relationship. His desire for independence is the background, mostly unnoticed, upon which he plays his life. His reaching for that bottle of cologne and his dashing out the door anyway even after he realizes his mistake acts out his resistance to having his life constrained by this other person’s allergies. Somewhere he resented being “told” not to wear fragrance. He is habituated to automatically challenging anything that seems to impinge on his rights.

In the preceding story, Drew had one agenda to be on time and another agenda to find a mate, yet simultaneously and unawarely he also had the agenda to not be dominated by the requests put upon him by his life. So here we have a classic example of simultaneous yet conflicting agendas. You might think that Drew’s story is an extreme case. Not so.

Here are more everyday examples:
The two of us were invited to a dinner where some of the guests were vegetarians and the host was not. He prepared baked red peppers, some of which he filled with beef and the others he stuffed with mixed vegetables. But somehow, there just “happened” to be partially cooked ground beef filling the bottom of the “vegetarian” peppers. Upon looking at this “mistake,” our host realized that his disagreement with his guests’
food preferences was displayed in his finished product without his awareness. What might appear as an accident was really not an accident at all but an unconscious agenda in disguise! A waitress told us that she had a tendency to forget orders or make mistakes when she disagreed with or didn’t like the customers’ food choice. She surprised herself by seeing that her agenda to be right about her taste in food was more important than good service, customer satisfaction, and tips.

We have seen one partner of a couple resist the other’s way of doing things even though it destroyed the relationship. We have also seen people fi red from jobs because they refused to follow how the boss wanted things fi led or presented because the employees had to do things their own way, even if it cost them their livelihood.

THE TERRIBLE TWOS
Take a look at any two-year-old. A parent’s admonition not to touch something is the same as a command to touch it. Sometimes this age is called the “terrible twos.” This is because at this age, children are virtually uncontrollable and have a tendency to do everything that is contrary to what is being requested of them. “No!” a child will emphatically state as he or she rushes toward the street and the parent, aware of danger,
has to restrain him or her. As adults, haven’t we observed our own behaviors that seem to be at war with what we want to accomplish in our relationships? Hasn’t the voice of reason whispered, I better get ready to go if I want to be on time, while the other voice in our head wheedles and whines, Just five more minutes,
until we are so pressured that we can hardly make it on time? That “just five more minutes” conversation may sound suspiciously like the one you had with your parents when they were trying to get you to go to bed.
Drew has tried to analyze why he is often late to important engagements. He has even made resolutions to be on time. So, when faced with calling and communicating with his date and giving her the option to say, “Don’t worry about the cologne,” or “Take a shower and come later,” or “Let’s have our date another day,” he rushes out the door in hopes of it being all right but, in all honesty, knowing that he is bringing a problem
with him.

“How to fi x this?” you might ask. Well, fi xing or changing this pattern will lead to more inappropriate actions. Don’t forget, Drew’s resolution to be on time—as if this were the source of his problems—has blinded him to the fact that “on time” is not always the right or the only choice. If, on the other hand, you simply become aware of your hidden agendas, you will not have to act them out mechanically. With awareness, you become free to make appropriate choices in your life.

INHERITED TRAITS
Some of your agendas may actually be inherited traits. We, as individuals, may think we are making personal choices in our lives and be totally unaware that we are actually acting out some script that has been handed down, via our family lines, as a blueprint for survival. For example, we know a man who breeds Peruvian Paso horses, which are known for their smooth gait and good temperament. We’ve been told that these traits have been reinforced through generations of breeding. This is true of humans also. Your family has learned to survive via some patterns of behavior that are useful, but only if you do not have to operate through them or rebel against them. For example, if you were raised in a family where people worried, this way of relating to life will have been passed down to you. This automatic tendency to worry may not be useful or productive or produce any satisfaction in your life, yet if you are unaware of the familial inclination to be anxious, you will personalize it and think that is has something to do with you.

Once you notice this predisposition, however, there is no need to keep perpetually worrying or to fight against this habit. With Instantaneous Transformation, the mere seeing of this behavior pattern is enough to have it dissolve. With awareness, this familial trait will lose its power over your life.
Friends of ours, Jed and Lena, had a child, Anna, a beautiful, innocent baby, growing, absorbing, and learning from her environment. We have known her parents for more than fifteen years, and during this time we have also seen them grow. We have seen their triumphs and their disappointments. Their life experiences have included births in the family and the deaths of loved ones. Lena has a particular facial expression when she is upset and crying. Her chin quivers, her lower lip sticks out of its own accord, and these traits make her sadness or upset an endearing, sympathetic picture. When Lena cries, one is compelled to take notice and be sensitive and caring. Well, guess what? The day she was born, Anna, who had never seen her mother cry, had a miniature version of the quivering chin and protruding lip. She didn’t “learn” this behavior from her
mother. It was a preset survival tool that she has in her genetic toolbox of survival techniques.

TINY TEARS
For an infant, crying is a way of communication, but as an adult in a relationship, it can be an annoying habit that individuals use in an attempt to avoid conflict. We have seen both men and women cry in an instant as a way to gain sympathy. There once was a doll called Tiny Tears. It was a favorite of young girls who got to practice being mommies and comforting the baby when it cried. We had a young client, Tina, who cried whenever she was on the spot. At work, the crying mechanism would turn on if she thought she was going to be given input by her boss. With her boyfriend, it was hard to have a serious conversation without the tears turning on. Her crying was as mechanical as it was for the Tiny Tears doll. If the circumstances applied a little pressure, her eyes would well up, whether she wanted them to or not. And Tina hated the crying.

She was embarrassed at work and at home. It was a case of the First Principle of Instantaneous Transformation all over again. The more she tried to avoid crying, the more she was provoked to cry (First Principle). When Tina brought awareness to her situation, she realized that she could only be crying when she
was crying (Second Principle). As Tina began to let herself be teary without judging herself for it, the tears became less automatic (Third Principle). Tina also took one other important step. She told herself the truth that sometimes she used her tears as a tool to gain sympathy. When she was young, crying was a ploy that kept her parents from punishing her. It was hard to be strict with someone who was already punishing herself so harshly. Crying her way out of difficult situations had become a way of life. The problem was that this way of relating did not support a functional relationship with her boyfriend nor support her advancing in her job and having a sense of well-being in her life. With awareness, the courage to tell the truth, and application of the Three Principles of Instantaneous Transformation, the tears became a thing of the past.

WHAT IS LOVE?
After Becky and Jake were married, Becky continued with one of Jake’s family traditions by making chicken soup every Friday evening. However, try as she might, Jake would always say, “Becky, your soup is very good, but it’s not as good as my mother’s.”

So Becky bought the best ingredients, changed the spices, tried with more vegetables, and still heard, “Thank you for making me this soup. If only it were as good as my mother used to make.”
One Friday afternoon, Becky went down to the basement to take the clothes out of the washer and put them into the dryer when she discovered that the washing machine had overflowed and there was a tide of sudsy water covering the floor. By the time Becky got the mess cleaned up and returned back upstairs, she realized that the soup was burnt. Frantic because it was too late to get another chicken and start over, Becky set the table and decided to serve the soup anyway and hope for the best. When Jake got home and sat down to eat, she placed a bowl in front of him and returned to the kitchen for bread.

“Becky, get in here!” Jake bellowed. Cringing, she returned.
“Becky, this soup. Finally, it’s just like my mother’s!”

When you are looking for a loving partner, you may automatically have a hidden agenda to look for the things you experienced as a child that you associated with love, even if they are not necessarily things that you would want in a partner from an adult perspective.

Like with the chicken soup analogy, you may pick a partner with the same attributes that you saw in your first love, your mother or father. If so, you will look for a man or a woman who embodies those old familiar ways of being or relating, even if, in truth, they are not something you as an adult would prefer. A child’s mind is not discerning. Love from a parent can come with extras attached, such as anger, frustration, etc.
Without awareness, you may unwittingly be repeating a family tradition rather than choosing a partner who truly fits. If you grew up in a family that argues, you will look for a partner who will fight with you because that is your schematic for love. With awareness, you can reveal what has been hidden.

If you don’t judge yourself for being attracted to people with "bad” attributes, the way will be open to build a partnership with your current mate. Or perhaps it will be with a new partner who will satisfy your adult desires for relationship rather than fulfi lling your child’s idea of love.





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