HOW TO TRUST YOURSELF

Embrace Your Brilliance and Break the Taboo: Trust Yourself

Trusting yourself is a process. You have learned over time that you can do certain things well without much effort. You know how to guess right within certain frameworks, with people, with money,
at work, or in your hobbies. You have evidence of your brilliance in some contexts and have no trouble trusting your instincts and your ability to improvise and problem solve in those settings. Part
of the reason you trust yourself is that you’ve accumulated evidence in the form of past successes. It’s clear that you know what you’re doing, so you can relax, do what you do best, be present in
the moment, and trust your own reactions.

Another reason you trust yourself is that you have acquired a habitual posture of emotional and psychological balance in those areas where experience has shown that you “just know” how to
make the right decisions. You don’t engage in circular thinking or worry that you might be wrong when you need to make decisions quickly. Even when there is stress involved, you know how to keep your balance the way a downhill skier crouches for speed or the way a surfer rides a wave. You find yourself doing the right thing even before you have entirely thought it through sometimes, because your emotional balance lets you naturally perform at a high level and lets your brilliant sanity emerge unimpaired. You probably know when someone simply wants to waste your time in the workplace, and you probably have a strong sense of when a project is a good one or when a product will be a profitable one to add to your lineup.


Without really knowing it, many of us give ourselves permission to be brilliant and clear in certain areas, but we deny ourselves permission to fully access our instincts in other areas. This functions a little bit like the permissions set on our computers: when we want to know answers in areas where we don’t have permission to be wise, we get an error message in the form of self-doubt, self-criticism, or reminders to be reasonable or not to be silly. Internal static is not a sign that you lack wisdom, but it
can be a sign that you have not given yourself permission to access or trust your wisdom.

Pause now and consider where you trust yourself, where you keep your balance effortlessly, and where you have permission to access your inner wisdom. You may want to have a piece of paper
ready so that you can jot down answers to the following questions.

In what areas of life do you feel you have good instincts? What kind of evidence, in the form of past experiences, do you remember about those areas? Think of times when you might not have had access to necessary information, but nevertheless you knew what to do somehow. Most of us don’t count the almostdaily experiences at the office when we have to complete a project without the data we would have liked to have on hand. Since we have to finish, we just do the project anyway.

In what situations of your life do you find that you somehow keep your emotional and psychological balance despite objective stress? Are you calm in the center of the storm at work? Do you translate conversations for people who can’t seem to understand one another? Do you read your loved ones like a book, and sense what they need to feel better when they’re down? These may be situations in which other people say, “How do you do that? I’d be a nervous wreck.” I know a woman who brings calm and healing to others by volunteering as a victim’s advocate when there has been a suicide or a violent death. She is one of the first people to arrive on the scene to be there to hold the weeping family members.

Most of us would want to be helpful but would find the situation overwhelming or too sad. This woman, though, becomes clearer in this setting and finds it easy to know what to say and do to
offer comfort and calm. She exhibits brilliant sanity in the midst of tragedy.

Where do you have permission to use your instincts? Is it okay to have good instincts for others but not for yourself? Is it okay to do well at your job but not at your personal life? Do you have
permission to try hard but not to succeed? Do you have permission to understand love, or are you supposed to get confused? You may not have a strong sense of the answers to these questions yet;
if that is the case, then just make notes about what you suspect may be true for you.

Romantic love is a context in which we often do not give ourselves permission to trust what we know. We do not feel that we have sufficient evidence of our brilliance, and we have trouble
keeping emotional and psychological balance. For these reasons, even the most intuitive and wise among us can feel blocked and confused as we try to navigate the waters of love.

Fortunately, even though we are each unique, we can learn very rapidly from the successes and observations of others. We can learn the language of inner wisdom through the stories of others,
and this triggers greater awareness of how our own sense of certainty can become stronger, leading us away from disappointment and toward love.





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