RELATIONSHIP SPLITTERS

There is a mechanical behavior that is so prevalent and so normal that it goes largely unnoticed, yet it remains one of the strongest impediments to creating and maintaining a healthy, loving relationship. Over the years, the two of us have seen many different variations of this phenomenon, and rather organically, a term for what we have observed has emerged.

We call it a “relationship splitter.” It is a behavior that is first seen between children and their parents, and it expands into later life. It may be innocent at first, but if left unexamined, you may not see it when it is happening and it will destroy the possibility of having a magical relationship.

A relationship splitter is a person who has a specific type of incompletion with his or her parents. This person will usually have bonded with the parent of the opposite sex to the exclusion of the other. In early childhood, this behavior may be seen as cute. It can be sweet to see a young boy who is so attentive to his mother or a young girl who loves to be with her daddy. But if it continues into adulthood, it becomes a way of relating
that automatically disrupts or destroys all relationships it comes in contact with.


Initially, the child may have been enrolled by the parent of the opposite sex into an ongoing war with his or her spouse.

So in the case of a mother and son, he becomes her confidant as she complains about her husband. Another way this dynamic can evolve is in the case of a man who is much more available and open in his self- expression with his daughter than he is with his wife. These children grow up very attuned to being
attentive to one parent while competing with or excluding the other. This mechanical way of relating eventually follows these individuals into all interactions with all couples.

If a child bonded with his mother and competed with his father for her attention, he would naturally reject any overtures of friendship made by his father. As he gets older, this type of young man is likely to say that his father was cold or distant or always rejected him. Rarely would he see his part in his estrangement from his father.

Now let’s take this individual into adulthood. People bring along with them their schematic for relationship, and that program is played out in their lives indiscriminately. So if a man has been a disruptive force between his mother and father, when he enters a social situation, he will mechanically reenact his unaware behavior with any couple—or any individual who is part of a couple—that he comes into contact with. In fact, we
have seen that people who are stuck in a relationship splitting mode will usually only be interested in garnering the attention of someone who is already in a relationship while generally having little or no interest in available single men or women. Within this type of person, competition seems to be a driving force. If the relationship splitter “wins” the unavailable individual and lures him or her out of an existing relationship,
then the new romance is already over before it begins. Relationship splitters have a very hard time growing and maintaining relationships of their own. Their immature way of relating is dependent on being the focal point and causing a disruption between any two people already in a couple.

Sometimes relationship splitters will be unaware of their effect on others. It is as if their early way of relating with their parents is so ingrained that it supersedes all other ways of relating, and each new interaction is like a blank canvas waiting to be painted with the message, “Wouldn’t you rather be with me? I care for you and am so much more interested in you than he/ she is!” Then as these people go through life, they are surprised
when others react negatively toward them.

It is important when investigating this automatic way of relating that you are grounded in your anthropological outlook and nonjudgmental way of seeing. If you misidentify relationship splitting as a “bad” thing, you will not be able to see all the nuances of your own ways of relating, and you will develop a lack of compassion for others who exhibit this behavior.

In  several anecdotes that illustrate different relationship splitting scenarios. There are so many variations of
this phenomenon that it is virtually impossible to cover them all, but we will present some of the archetypical themes so that you can learn to identify them in your own life.


THE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF

There is one other type of relationship splitting phenomenon that is probably the most challenging. This is the individual who divides you from being in relationship with yourself. When you are out of sync with yourself, all of your interactions with others suffer as well.






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