IF YOU LOVE ME, LOVE MY FRIENDS TOO

Another clue to whether or not your past relationship was with Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong comes in the form of a very particular sensation—that of a wall dissolving around you. Sometimes the dissolution of a couple feels like an end to isolation. It’s as if the merger of you and your partner somehow made a barrier around you that kept other souls at a distance.

Then that wall is gone and you find yourself calling people that you haven’t kept up with: your mother, your brother, your friends. You don’t feel cut off from them anymore; you’re able to pick up the thread where it was dropped. The story you have to tell them is no longer out of tune. Somehow when you were with your partner, you couldn’t report freely about your life to the people who matter most to you.

Conversations became superficial, degenerated into small talk. You could only tell them part of the truth, and that wasn’t enough to strike sparks across a distance. Maybe you weren’t telling yourself the whole truth, so it was hard to talk to people with whom you are naturally honest.


Again, this resurgence is a message about the relationship that ended. It is telling you that your ex was a bad match for you. In his presence, your connections with others tended to wilt.

the subversive partner
The decline may have been fairly mild, as in the previous example where connections were still there but they felt more tenuous; or it could have been a precipitous drop. That happened if your partner actively opposed your outside relationships, or put up roadblocks to them. He may have done this by playing any of several roles:

The Loyalty Enforcer. Your partner treated you as if you were being unfaithful to him, when you tried to spend time alone with other people. This possessiveness masquerading as suspicion is a sticky snare. It is very easy to start feeling guilty about innocent behavior when your partner doesn’t trust you, and then you may start to act guilty and you are really trapped. The real impetus behind this treatment is more likely that your partner wasn’t confident that what he had to offer you was enough, and he worried that by bonding with others you would realize his shortcomings.

The Non-participant. When you asked your partner to go with you to occasions that would naturally demand a couple, he begged off if certain people were involved. Which discouraged you enough that you didn’t go either. Or you went alone and then he resented that, so you didn’t go the next time. After a while, you didn’t see very much of the people he was resistant to. Without declaring himself openly, just by reluctance and foot dragging he managed to limit your social sphere to the parts that he was comfortable with.

This can be a very insidious form of selection. It’s as if your partner is driving past various nightclubs that are your social life, and is deciding which of them the two of you shall not patronize.
Wouldn’t it be unfortunate if his insecurity made him avoid the ones which are most colorful, challenging, and otherwise valuable?

The Critic. A more direct approach is to critique your friends. Your partner cleverly analyzed their faults and shortcomings, so that now you had to either abandon them or refute him. This could have been a sincere thing, caused by his misperceiving them. He thought friend A was obnoxious when what she was, was irreverent.

He thought friend B was snotty when what she was, was smart. He thought friend C was boring when what she was, was shy (around him). Or he found one of your friends to be an evil schemer, and he taught you that your affection had been naïve, when the truth was your friend had been looking out for you.
If your partner was sincere, then at least he had the defence of honesty; but one has to question whether he was the right guy for you. If he wasn’t sincere and was really just manipulating you out of possessiveness or paranoia, that is an even better ground for finding him unworthy. So when someone becomes the arbiter
of your friends, that’s a huge red flag—and will be in future.

The Thief of Hearts. You may have run across an even more extreme and somewhat bizarre way of undermining your existing relationships—competing for your friends.

Look back at the relationship that ended. Take careful stock of how it affected your most valued connections with other people. When those special tests (or opportunities) arose, what happened? If your
findings are negative, you have learned an important lesson about what went wrong.

And what to look for next time. To paraphrase the poet, no person is an island. We are each partially constituted by our bonds with the family members and friends we love most. If a man really wants to know you, he wants to know the people you love.

So look for these signs. A good partner will be a shrewd observer of your interactions with your friends. He will be highly entertained by watching your antics with them, and will revel in the knowledge of you that can be gained that way. A good partner will enrich your best relationships.

In a healthy couple, your circle of friends won’t contract; it will expand.

We’ve taken a look at two kinds of upswing that can signal, after a relationship is over, that you were with the wrong person. I’ve called that situation Scenario A: where you and your partner were basically
incompatible. It’s time now to take a more comprehensive look at incompatibility, and the false and true lessons it holds.





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