DOs and DON'Ts IN RELATIONSHIPS

So you’ve found that special someone?

Right, here I’m going to assume that you’ve found someone you genuinely really like, are attracted to and starting a romantic relationship with. This isn’t for someone who’s found that person and wants to learn the secrets to attracting them.

There are certain do’s and don’ts that can make or break a relationship that many people just don’t realise. The repercussions of actions and words in the early stages of a relationship can manifest themselves in a relationship for as long as it lasts; which can lead to some very unhappy couples. I’m going to write this so it applies for both females and males as much as possible, but where things are different for each I will separate them and write a part for females and a part for males…

The Dos and Don’ts..

1. DON’T give in to your urges all the time – When you’re in a new relationship, it can kind of take over your life. You don’t stop thinking about them all the time, and you have those butterflies in your stomach whenever something reminds you of them. This is great, and a good sign that things are
going well for you. It’s a little bit like where you were a kid at Christmas and you got that one toy that was so much better than all your other presents. You just wanted to play with that toy and that toy only, forgetting you even had any other presents…especially that jumper that was 2 sizes too big that your grandma got you! Well do you also remember how quickly you got bored of that toy because you didn’t play with anything else? Well it’s time to grow up.


You need to pace your relationship as best you can. You might want to see your new partner every minute of the day, and chances are they feel the same. But you can’t do this because it will ruin the fun, excitement and mystery. Those early days when you’re still learning new things about each other won’t last forever, but if they’re over to quickly then things could become stale fast. As bad as it sounds, you don’t want to give too much away too quickly. Now I am all for being 100% honest and open in a relationship, I would advise no other way. But in those very early stages I do believe that keeping some of yourself locked away for later isn’t always a bad idea.

Mystery is attractive, exciting and key to building that passion and desire that a relationship needs. If you ever hear a new partner say something along the lines of “you’re just so mysterious” then you’re doing it right!

2. DO keep spending time with your friends – I don’t want to dwell on this because there are so many relationship books that talk for hours about how important it is to spend time with your friends. Yeah, great…but  what about when I’m with my partner? What do I do then? The reason it’s important is
firstly because like in number 1, you can’t see each other all the time. But secondly it’s because
your friends are just as important, and they’ll be the ones who are there for you if things don’t work out…so show them some respect. Time with your friends keeps you social, and keeps your self confidence up. Assuming you have good friends, they’ll give you confidence in all aspects of your life, including romance and therefore improve your relationship. You also want to make sure your relationship with your friends is good, because there will come a time when they are going to meet your new partner and you want them to be willing to make an effort with your partner. This will make your partner feel more comfortable around your friends and this will ease any tension that
had a potential to arise. You’ll also want to make sure that when the time comes, you make a lot of effort to be polite and friendly towards your partner’s friends and family. The amount of uncomfortable situations that can come of their friends or family not liking you is unlimited…
so be nice!

3. DO make time for me – Ok so we’ve discussed not seeing each other all the time and making sure you spend time with your friends, and now I’m telling you to spend time alone too? So do you get to spend ANY time with your new partner?? Well of course, I’m just getting these out of the way now because they are often overlooked.

Me time is something that isn’t always talked much about in relationship advice books, and I believe that this is asking for disaster. You personal time is so important. It’s just as important as time with your new partner and time with your friends. Now some readers might be thinking “well I don’t like being on my own.” This is time to change that. You need to be able to enjoy your own company
for others to enjoy it! Time on your own can be when you really find out who you are. I’m not just talking about spending time at home on your own watching films as to be honest I think that’s much more enjoyable when you’re with a partner or with friends. I’m talking about self improvement and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. You could spend your time alone watching TV and sitting in bed, if you choose to and you genuinely enjoy doing that on your own. But I’ve found that when it comes to improving relationships, if a person spends their alone time improving themselves in different areas then they will become a much more loveable and happy person in their relationship.

Ways to improve yourself are endless. If you are studying for anything, then study it and learn all you can about that topic. If you aren’t currently studying for anything then find something you’ve always been interested in and study it.
If you have a hobby that you love, or that you used to love then bring it back into your life and spend time doing it. Improve the skills you already have or learn new skills. Improving yourself and growing as a person improves every area of your life. My Book “Important Lessons for True Happiness: Live Your Life” gives you activities to do every week to reach your goals and become the
person you want to be.

4. Don’t have arguments over text message – this is so important in the modern world.

5. Do be yourself – what I mean by this is do stay the way you are as a person. I believe everyone should have strong values and morals, and these can’t change just because you’ve entered a new relationship. If you don’t have any particular morals and values already, then I strongly suggest you take some time to yourself and work out what you find important in life.

Values are the things that you see as the most important to you. It varies in everyone.
Some people value material possessions very highly whereas other people might not see them as being as important as other things. It doesn’t matter what your values are, it just matters that you know what they are. You need to have a passion, a drive to keep and get all things that align with your values in your life. If you value your family, you need to make sure you are close to them. If you value money, you need to make sure you’re working hard and getting the money that you want. When you’re passionate about your values you become passionate about getting the things that you want out of life. You get drive, you’ll work hard for things and not only will this improve your life but it will make you a much more attractive person to others and you your relationships will kick
off to a great start.

6. Don’t talk about your ex – Ok if you’re mature then you will accept that it is almost impossible
not to compare a new partner to an old one, especially if there hasn’t been much time between the 2 (not recommended!!). Thoughts will often creep up on us about how our new partner does something differently to our old partner, and this is completely normal and I’m sure your new partner does this too. But it’s how you see these thoughts, and whether you actually say them out loud that makes a difference.

Now a quick step back to the first “date” for anyone who is completely new to “dating.” You should absolutely 100% NOT talk about your ex partner on your first date. Nope, shh, stop….don’t do it! You are there to get to know each other, not someone you’re not even with anymore. If you want to talk about your ex so much that you can’t help it, then I don’t think you’re quite ready to be dating
just yet. Some would argue that if the topic was to come up, or even if the person on the date was to ask you about your ex that this means it’s ok to talk about them. Well personally, I would say….NO! Just don’t do it. Change the subject, make a joke out of it and say “I’m not here to talk about my ex, I want to talk about you.” Let’s face it, if the conversation is getting so desperate that your date asks you about your ex, it’s probably not going to work out.

OK back to entering a new relationship. Talking about your ex all the time is probably going to make your new partner insecure. Imagine if they were saying how often they used to go to this place together, or how much they loved it when their ex did this. You’re not going to want to go where ever
that was and you’re not going to want to do whatever it was they did. So when you can, just don’t talk about it. This is where I would differ from the date situation though. Sometimes people have their own insecurities and when it’s your partner it’s your duty to help them feel more secure if the opportunity comes along. Sometimes these insecurities will present themselves in the form of asking
questions about your ex’s. This is often because they feel like maybe they’re not good enough compared to your ex, or that you don’t love/like them as much as you did your ex. Well it’s important here that you do talk about your ex, but in the right way. You need to be considerate of your new partner. In no way should you lie, at all. But if you are fully over your ex partner then you should be able to talk about them and play things down without feeling bad about it. And remember, you most certainly should be fully over your ex partner if you’re entering a new relationship. If your new partner asks about something you and your ex used to do and it just so happens that yes you did absolutely love doing that together, it doesn’t mean you have to tell them that. Just play it down, casually say “yeah it was fun; that was a long time ago” or something along those lines. Don’t get too attached to the conversation because let’s face it, you shouldn’t be.

7. Do let them know your boundaries – Let me get this out in the open straight away, this includes in the bedroom as well as in your general relationship. I’ll talk about general things first and then get to the naughty stuff… So everyone has their own boundaries, their limits as to what takes them from being comfortable to uncomfortable. And it’s important in a relationship to express this right from
the start. Public displays of affection: This varies from person to person and couple to couple but
it’s very important that you get this kind of thing out of the way before you find yourself in a very embarrassing situation. Not being open about this could land you in two opposite ends of an embarrassing situation. On one hand, you could find your new partner to be extremely comfortable with public displays of affection and you quite simply are not. So you’ll get embarrassed when they
start playing tonsil tennis with you in-front of everyone eating in the same pizza place as you and you have to ruin the mood by pushing them away. Switching to the other hand, you couldn’t care less about wrapping your arms around your new partner in-front of everyone but it turns out they hate it and push you away. You’re going to feel pretty foolish after that. So just talk about it. Downright
ask them whether they are comfortable with or, tell them if you’re not. This will save any embarrassment and awkward moments that could completely ruin the mood in your relationship.

On a quick side note, it’s possible that if one partner doesn’t like public displays of affection
that the other will think this is because they don’t want to be seen with them. That’s why getting this out of the way before it actually happens could prevent a serious argument.

Flirting… Right now this is a tough one. Flirting can mean all kinds of things, and some people will consider things to be flirting that others wouldn’t. This is another thing that really depends on the individual. As long as you know what you’re comfortable with, then you should be able to sort this out before any arguments come along. There are all sorts of different kinds of flirting; flirting
to get your own way, flirting to get some attention, flirting because you fancy someone.

First of all let’s think about what you’re going to allow yourself to do in terms of flirting now that you’re entering a committed relationship. You might believe that a bit of harmless flirting is fine as long as there are no intentions behind it, you might think flirting to get something like a free drink at a bar is fine. It’s entirely up to you but you should have a think about what you think is acceptable
for you to do. That way, if your new partner doesn’t like it, you have the choice whether to stick to your values and tell them if you can’t accept that this is how I am without getting insecure then this isn’t going to work or you can change your ways to suite your partner…your call.

Now let’s look at what you’re going to accept as ok for how your partner flirts with other people. This will often come down to how secure you are in yourself, but remember if you think it’s ok to do something, but you don’t think it’s ok when your partner does it, you need to re-think your values. If
you can work out how far or how much flirting would be acceptable for your partner to do, then you can express this to them before it actually happens and they can decide whether they accept this as fair or not. If they do, then there will be no problems as they will know their boundaries, but if they don’t accept it then this is where they will have the choice to change or to stick to how they are
and put the relationship at risk. Getting these things out in the open early on in the relationship means that there are more opportunities to go your separate ways quickly, but in the long run this is far better than staying with someone who you’re not going to get along with.

You will come across all kinds of boundaries that you may not have even realised you had before you entered this new relationship. But the important thing to take away is that you should be open and honest about them as soon as you can.

In the Bedroom: Right, the juicy stuff! Personally, I don’t think forcing this into conversation
is a particularly good idea as it might get awkward and weird. If you’re sat eating a meal in a restaurant and your partner comes out with “so how rough do you like it in the sack” you’re probably going to end up spitting your food all over them. But, that depends on you as a couple because
some people are very comfortable talking about things like that and can make it fun.
My suggested way would be to be vocal in the bedroom as things are happening whilst the relationship is still new. This way when things get uncomfortable for you, you can just say and your partner will start to learn what you like and dislike. Same goes for you and finding out what makes them tick and what turns them off. Just tell them beforehand that you think it would be good if we
tested to see what things each other likes in the bedroom and how far things can go. That
way they will understand and hopefully be vocal about what they like and dislike too,
meaning you will both be able to please each other like crazy in no time!
If you or your partner drink alcohol, I’d like to give a warning here that this can change things in the bedroom as far as boundaries are concerned. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions so you or your partner might be ok with something whilst under the influence of alcohol but not when sober. So just remember if you did something with your partner that was a bit out there and they were drunk, they
might not like it the next time your try it.

You have to bear these things in mind and always be looking to learn about your new
partner, and that’s not just in the bedroom.

8. Do focus on the positive things – This doesn’t just mean in your relationship, this means for your entire life too. Just like life, things that happen in relationships can often get you down and it’s hard to stay positive about where things are going to end up. But just because you have one little argument about something stupid, doesn’t mean you should be considering calling the whole thing off and starting again. Arguments happen and you need to deal with that. What makes the relationship work is how these arguments actually affect you both. If you can accept them as arguments and get through them, then you could be on your way to something really special. But if you hold the arguments close to your heart and keep the emotions inside you then things could turn ugly. One good way to put arguments into perspective and getting through them is to just think about the positive things that the relationship has brought you so far. Think about the fun times you’ve had together, or even the fun times you’re planning to have together. Think about how much they make you smile and laugh and how much happier you’ve been since you entered this new relationship with that person. If you can’t think about these things, then maybe it’s time to think about whether you should’ve started
this relationship in the first place.

Being happy in general is a great way to stay happy in a relationship. Happiness is infectious
and if you’re happy, your partner will feel happy too. A great book by Jenna Louise share some amazing tips on happiness and a groundbreaking exercise called “The Happy
Jar.”

9. Don’t try to fix your partner – As I mentioned before, it’s pretty tough finding someone that is genuinely your ideal partner. Finding a perfect relationship is even harder. That why it’s important to accept that there might be a few things about your new partner that you don’t like, or could at least live without. You can’t keep trying to change the way they are, how they dress or even their accent. That is them and you were the one who entered in this relationship so you need to accept this. Now for females, it could be exciting for you to try and change your man and dress him the way you want. This is healthy and it can be quite fun and playful, but don’t take it too far. If you didn’t like his
style at all then why would you have entered the relationship with him in the first place?

You could seriously annoy him if all you’re trying to do is change him, he’ll start to wonder if you even like him at all. Keep it fun, but don’t overdo it. There is the chance that you find something out about your partner that you genuinely can’t put up with. If this is the case you need to act fast. Tell them what it is and why you don’t like it, and see if they would be willing to stop or change it. If not then you need to decide whether you can stay with them. It’s important when telling them to be calm and non-judgemental. Don’t put them down for the thing that you don’t like. Just simply explain
that you understand that this is something they do or wear or whatever it may be and that you don’t like it. This also works the other way around; you need to let your partner know that they can be completely open and honest about things they might not like about you, so long as they aren’t mean about it. That way you can talk  about it and see if there’s anything you can do to get through it.

10. Don’t say anything stupid – This right here is one of the most common causes of unhappy relationships, but it’s also one of the toughest things to stop yourself from doing if you’re in the heat of the moment. Now although this can happen, I’m not talking about saying things like “will you marry me?” and “I love you” when it’s too soon. This will obviously test a new relationship, but if things are going well anyway then this shouldn’t be a problem and should be something the two of you can laugh about. What I’m actually talking about is saying hurtful nasty comments when in a heated argument that you’ll regret later. This is so common and I’m sure most of you reading this book will have done this at some point in your life in one way or another. It’s so important to stay as calm and logical as you can during an argument. When emotions take over there’s almost no stopping us humans from saying things we don’t necessarily mean, and this can be the cause of separation or unhappy relationships. Early on in a relationship, saying something hurtful or nasty in the heat of the moment can be a lot worse than saying it in a long standing happy relationship. Your partner could just walk away in the blink of an eye and you might not see them again. Or, because you’re still new to each other, your partner may not express their feelings and this could manifest itself in the relationship for a long time. It’s pretty well known that holding emotions down for long periods of time can lead to huge outbursts of stress or rage and this can really lead to an unhappy relationship. Try your best to use some of the techniques I’ve already explained in the book like thinking positive or not arguing over text, to keep things in perspective and control your emotions. One argument shouldn’t be enough to ruin a relationship, but if you let your emotions get the better of your words then you could see yourself starting from scratch again or in a long, unhappy relationship.

11. Do be honest – I don’t think I really need to say much here. I’ve already said this a thousand times. I just can’t stress the importance of being honest in relationships. Not just in new relationships but in all relationships. The good thing about reading this book though is that you will hopefully be able to start a relationship completely truthfully and you will be stress free as far as your relationship is concerned. You should always start as you mean to go on. You might have met this person and entered a new relationship with them but never really thought this was the one. You were just enjoying it so you let things flow the way they were flowing. That’s fair enough and happens a lot. But if you choose to let this be your reason for lying, or cheating then you could be shooting
yourself in the foot from the word go. This relationship that you don’t see as being the one you want for the rest of your life could soon change. You could realise how much you love this person and just how great they are. Then what are you going to do? Carry on the relationship for the rest of your life after having started it by lying or cheating…or both? The best thing in any relationship is to just be open, honest and faithful. You’ll never be able to take those actions back and they could haunt you for the rest of your life.

A side note to anyone reading who has in fact entered a relationship and already lied or cheated but wants to put it right. Well firstly, there will be no putting it right. You’ve done what you did and you can’t blame anyone but yourself. The only thing you can do if you want to stay in this relationship and not have everything hanging over your head all of the time is come clean ASAP. You’re going to have to come clean as soon as you can and accept that whatever happens is always going to be your fault. Your partner may leave you, and that is understandable…would you stay with them? Or your partner could choose to stay with you. This can work out if they can genuinely forgive you and move on, but it can also cause problems if they can’t really move on from it. Would you want to risk it?

12. Do request, but don’t demand – New relationships are fun and the beginning stages are a great way to set the scene for the rest of your time together. You can take advantage of this early stage in the relationship by once again, being open and honest, and telling your partner the things you like in relationships from a partner and things you don’t like. But you need to be very careful about the way you phrase such things. You can’t be demanding and word it in ways that will make your partner feel like if they don’t do what you say then you will leave them. That’s blackmail and even if you get what you want temporarily, it won’t last. You need to tell them with an open mind, with a tone that
suggests you don’t mind either way what happens but you just thought you’d let them know in case they agree or would want to do things like that for you. If there are deal breakers for you that mean you would be really unhappy if your partner didn’t do certain things for you or with you then you need to get this out in the open quickly so that you can separate if they wouldn’t be happy doing those things. You should also be listening carefully to what your partner might be saying in conversation. When they tell you stories, it might be that they really enjoy what they’re talking about and this is something they’d like to do with you. If you’d like to do that with them then you should suggest it, this could put you so high up in their good books that you’ll be living happily ever after.
But if there’s something that you feel they really want to do that you don’t like the sound of then you need to tell them so they know. If they find out further down the line, you could both end up getting more hurt than you needed to. A quick side note: This definitely applies in the bedroom too. There may be things you or your partner want to try or have tried before that the other isn’t comfortable with. You can’t demand they do this, but you can request and if they like the sound of it then that’s great. If not then you shouldn’t ever pressure them into doing anything, if you’re looking for someone who enjoys different things in the bedroom and you can’t do without those things then you need to stop the relationship before you’re tempted to look elsewhere.


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