32 COMMITMENTS TO LOVING KINDNESS TOWARD OURSELVES AND OTHERS

1. I do my best to keep my word, honor commitments, and follow through on the tasks I agree to do.
2. I am making every effort to abide by standards of rigorous honesty and respect in all my dealings, no matter how others act toward me.
3. I forgo taking advantage of anyone because of his or her ignorance, misfortune, or financial straits. My question is not “What can I get away with?” but “What is the right thing to do?” If I fall down in this, I can admit it, make amends, and resolve to act differently next time. Now I apologize more
easily and willingly when necessary.
4. If someone is overly generous toward me or has an exaggerated sense of obligation to me, I do not want to exploit his or her lack of boundaries. Instead, I want to express appreciation and work out an equitable way of interacting.
5. I keep examining my conscience with true candor. I take searching inventories of how I may have harmed others; how I may not have activated my potentials or shared my gifts; how I may still be holding on to prejudices or the will to retaliate; and how I may still not be as loving, inclusive,
and open as I can be.
6. I welcome feedback that shows me where I am less caring, less tolerant, and less open about my real feelings than I can be. When I am shown up as a pretender or called on being mean or inauthentic, I am not defensive but take it as information about what I have to work on. I appreciate positive feedback also.

7. I am letting go of the need to keep up appearances or to project a false or overly impressive self-image. Now I want to appear as I am, without pretense and no matter how unflattering. I do not want to use any charms of body, word, or mind to trick or deceive others. Being loved for who I am
has become more important—and more interesting—than upholding the evershaky status of my ego.
8. I now measure my success by how much steadfast love I have, not by how much money I have in the bank, how much I achieve in business, how much status I have attained, or how much power I have over others. The central and most exhilarating focus of my life is to show all my love in the
style that is uniquely mine in every way I can—here and now, always and everywhere, no one excluded.
9. As I say yes to the reality of who I am, with pride in my gifts and unabashed awareness of my limits, I notice that I can love myself and that I become more lovable.
10. I never give up on believing that everyone has an innate goodness and that being loved can contribute to bringing it out.
11. I am learning to trust others when the record shows they can be trusted while I, nonetheless, commit myself to being trustworthy regardless of what others may do. I am always open to rebuilding trust when it has been broken if the other person is willing.
12. I remain open to reconcile with others after conflict. At the same time, I am learning to release—with love and without blame—those who show themselves to be unwilling to relate to me respectfully. I accept the given of sudden unexplained silence or rejection by others and will never use that style myself.
13. I am learning to be assertive by asking for what I need without fear or inhibition. I ask without demand, expectation, manipulation, or a sense of entitlement. I can show respect for the timing and choices of others by being able to take no for an answer.
14. I do not knowingly hurt or intend to offend others. I act kindly toward others, not to impress or obligate them, but because I really am kind—or working on it. If others fail to thank me or return my kindness, that does not have to stop me from behaving lovingly.
15. If people hurt me, I can say, “Ouch!” and ask to open a dialogue. I may ask for amends, but I can drop the topic if they  are not forthcoming. No matter what, I do not choose to get even, hold grudges, keep a record of wrongs, or hate anyone. “What goes around comes around” has become “May what
goes around come around in a way that helps him or her learn and grow.” I am thereby hoping for the transformation of others rather than retribution against them. This commitment also means that I do not gloat over the sufferings or defeats of those who have hurt me. “It serves them right” has changed to “May this serve to help them evolve.”
16. I am practicing ways to express my anger against unfairness directly and nonviolently rather than in abusive, bullying, threatening, blaming, out-of-control, or passive ways.
17. I do not let others abuse me, but I want to interpret their harshness as coming from their own pain and as a sadly confused way of letting me know they need connection but don’t know how to ask for it in healthy ways. I recognize this with concern, not with censure or scorn.
18. I have a sense of humor but not at the expense of others. I want to use humor to poke fun at human foibles, especially my own. I do not engage in ridicule, put-downs, taunting, teasing, snide or bigoted remarks, sarcasm, or comebacks. When others use hurtful humor toward me, I want to feel
the pain in both of us and look for ways to bring more mutual respect into our communication.
19. I do not laugh at people or at their mistakes and misfortunes; I look for ways to be supportive.
20. I notice how in some groups there are people who are humiliated or excluded. Rather than be comforted that I am still safely an insider, especially by gossiping about them, I want to sense the pain in being an outsider. Then I can reach out and include everyone in my circle of love, compassion, and respect.
21. I look at other people and their choices with intelligent discernment
but without censure. I still notice the shortcomings
of others and myself, but now I am beginning to see
them as facts to deal with rather than flaws to be criticized
or ashamed of. Accepting others as they are has become
more important than whether they are what I want them to
be.
22. I avoid Criticizing, Interfering, or giving Advice that is not specifically asked for. I take care of myself by staying away from those who use this CIA approach toward me, while still holding them in my spiritual circle of loving-kindness.
23. I am willing to participate in the harmless conventions and social rituals that make others happy.
24. I am less and less competitive in relationships at home and at work, and I find happiness in cooperation and community. I shun situations in which my winning means that others lose in a humiliating way.
25. In intimate bonds, I honor equality, keep agreements, work on problems, and act in respectful and trustworthy ways. My goal is not to use a relationship to gratify my ego but to dispossess myself of ego to gratify the relationship. Also, I respect the boundaries of others’ relationships.
26. I want my sexual style to adhere to the same standards of integrity and loving-kindness that apply in all areas of my life. More and more, my sexuality expresses love, passion, and joyful playfulness. I remain committed to a responsible adult style of relating and enjoying.
27. Confronted with the suffering in the world, I do not turn my eyes away, nor do I get stuck in blaming God or humanity but simply ask, “What then shall I do? What is the opportunity in this for my practice of loving-kindness?” I keep finding ways to respond, even if they have to be minimal: “It
is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.”
28. I want my caring concern to extend to the world around me. I am committing myself to fighting injustice in nonviolent ways. I support restorative rather than retributive justice. I am distressed and feel myself called to action by violations of human rights, nuclear armaments, and economic and racial injustice. I tread with care on the earth with what Saint Bonaventure called “a courtesy toward natural things.”
29. I appreciate that whatever love or wisdom I may have or show comes not from me but through me. I give thanks for these encouraging graces and say yes to the stirring call to live up to them.
30. I am not hard on myself when I fail to live up to these ideals. I just keep practicing earnestly. The sincerity of my intention and my ongoing efforts feel like the equivalent of success.
31. I do not think I am above other people because I honor this list. I do not demand that others follow it.
32. I am sharing this list with those who are open to it, and I keep believing that someday these commitments can become the style not only of individuals but of groups in the world community: corporate, political, religious.


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